So much of me died with you, an ocean I've cried for you.

I don't know how to start this or if there's a point to writing this besides the ease I feel after I let it out. Seriously, when is this shit gonna end? When am I not gonna cry anymore over things that are fucking things up? Over things that literally shatter everything that I work for? Everything that I make. Everything that I fucking fight so hard for? When am I gonna be able to finally enjoy anything and everything without a second thought? I hate you. When will I stop hating you? When won't I see you as the bad guy anymore? When will you stop betraying me over and over and over again? When will I feel like I can trust you? I know I can, and I do, but when am I gonna REALLY feel it?
I'm crazy. Honestly, I'm insane. I need meds and pills to make me calm. I need something so that my life doesn't flash in front of me every time something like this happens. Or maybe I just need to be alone. Maybe I'm not meant for anyone and no one is meant for me? I can't be with anyone in this state. Or maybe I need to fully let go. Say fuck it to everything that I see getting in my way, take it minute by minute and never doubt? Hell no. I can't do that. I know myself and I can't even begin to not care. God I hate feeling sometimes. I hate feeling like I've been let down. I hate feeling upset because I have so many good feelings backing everything up. Sometimes I just want to scream, or cry, or even die. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I wasn't here anymore and if someone else had to deal with my memories, the fact that I was once there, taking up everyone's time. The fact that I was happy, or sad, or confused, misused and abused. Abused by you, the one person who wouldn't do anything to hurt me. Actually, I don't know about that anymore.
Your careless actions will drive me to the edge. The way down is long and painful and I'm afraid I will take it. You have stopped me many times from being alone but was that for my sanity or yours? Was it because you are scared to be alone? Your feelings don't seem as genuine as they were before. You think I'm a safe bet? Try again. I'm crazy. Crazy as can be. Honestly. I will fuck with you until the end and it's not because I want to, but because of how I'm built. Other's have installed this into me and I've turned out to be a cold blooded person after everything that has happened. I don't deserve anything. But at the same time I fucking love you to death. I swear I'll kill anyone who gets in our way. You and me for life. You being you and me doing this, crying my eyes out. Fuck I'm tired of crying. My shirt is soaked and my face is red. Really pretty. A real beauty. Pleasure to look at.
Deep inside I'm a good person. Honestly, I try my best. But I'm crazy. My emotions are all over the place. I'm unstable. For now I can control it. Sit and cry and write. I can't yell, nor can I fight. I can just sit there and stare you straight in the eye wondering when all this would stop.

I got distracted by a post a friend put up on Facebook and snapped out. I sound crazy above. I am crazy. Put me away. And don't visit me. Please don't. It's the only way I'll recover. I love you. See you in hell.


i am heaven sent, don't you dare forget.
i am all you've ever wanted,
what all the other boys all promised.
sorry i told. i just needed you to know.
i think in decimals and dollars.
i am the cause to all your problems,
shelter from cold. we are never alone.
coordinate brain and mouth.
then ask me what's it like to have myself so figured out.
i wish i knew..

this is war.
every line is about who i don't wanna write about anymore.
hope you come down with something they can't diagnose,
don't have the cure for.
holding on to your grudge.
oh it's so hard to have someone to love.
and keeping quiet is hard.
'cause you can't keep a secret
if it never was a secret to start.
at least pretend you didn't wanna get caught..

we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe in us.


this is the grace that only we can bestow.
this is the price you pay for loss of control.
this is the break in the bend,
this is the closest of calls.
this is the reason you're alone,
this is the rise and the fall.

we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe..

we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe in us.