It’s in the water baby, it’s in the pills that bring you down

Sometimes I wish I could be someone else. Just so that I could say the weird thoughts that pile up in my head out loud and not be looked at like I'm clinically insane. Seriously, no one except a couple of girls understand the things I bring up and that's also because they think pretty much the same way. Now, this proves that I'm not whack because I'm not the only one with a brain that overflows with concepts which would make people raise an eyebrow. Until a couple of more people start to understand me and not just push aside the things I have to say, we might continue experiencing a tiny dilemma. It seems like each time I bring something up it's always odd to talk about and we never finish, simply brushing it off under the rug and walking all over it like it never even happened in the first place. That sets an unsatisfactory feel in my mind and that is why stuff comes up again. It is never finished with and that's annoying when I come to think of it. Again, not a big issue but hey, it could be better.

As always, I'm on a massive job hunt and it's not going too well. Surprise, surprise...with this shitty economy.

Ugh, one day at a time, riiiight?

the beat goes on...

Well V-day weekend was really nice. It was really good to get away and just be together. It was too short though. Boo.

So as of now I'm still trying to adjust. Haven't I had enough time already? Yeah, seriously...I know I know.
It's just taking me a while to fully accept this person I'm with for what they have done in the past, even if it has nothing to do with me. Maybe that's the problem, maybe I'm just jealous that it wasn't with me...even though we were nowhere in each others lives at that point.

One day at a time...

iono

there aren't supposed to be anymore insecurities. at all. never ever ever ever.


so why are they still here?

if you wanna give me what I want....listen

Being sick really sucks sometimes. But that's besides the point.

Not to sound all mushy, but next week ...exactly in a week actually is gonna mark 18 months since Ryan and I have been together. Wow, a year and a half. That's longer than I've been with anyone in my whole life. Ha, 3 months seemed like a shitload to me back in sophomore year. Funny thing is, I'm still getting used to being with him. I remember back to when I kept waking up each day thinking he would break up with me that night when I would see him, but he never did. He established himself as the nice one from the beginning. I expected bad things from him because of the way I was treated before, it was nothing personal towards him or his character. I guess I just felt like I needed to be treated bad, because that's all I've known until then. I used to think Ryan messed up big time for getting with me, that I didn't deserve what he was doing for me and he certainly didn't deserve to be with someone like me who's indecisive and kinda stuck in the middle of everything. That's why I was so hurt when I found out about that stupid bitch. I finally accepted that things were okay and that I would finally be happy. And one day I step into this whole world which shatters everything I acquired into pieces. I can say I haven't been as happy as I was before that incident ever again. She just won't go away. I hate her. This hate has gone from being on the surface to deep, instilled hate that comes back up everytime she calls. I'm not gnna hold a grudge against her forever, but that doesn't mean I want her to be in my life. There is really nothing more to say on that topic.

I've gone so far with this. I have changed myself for the better in so many ways. I found someone to trust and rely on and that's something I've never had before. Every little thing we argue over doesn't even come close to making me feel the things I've felt before when I was unsure of things. Right now it's like..."you're pissing me off so I'mma go for now..." and then back to wanting to see him and talk to him the next day. There is no doubt in my mind that I wanna be with him, and I know he feels the same.

Back to talking about 18 months...I want to do something really nice, like go somewhere for a couple of days or something. I have a 4 day weekend since there's no school Friday or Monday of that weekend and Ryan is off work Monday so that means we have 3 days together. I offered to go to Konocti even though I know he's been there with an ex before. I'm trying something new, putting aside the fact that he's been or done certain things with other girlfriend's and trying to do them with him too. I mean...he totally hasn't experienced anything until he does it with me! So I decided to stop letting these ex bitches ruin MY life and what I wanna do and told my thoughts to cool down and that it's all in my head and just go for it. So no word on Konocti yet, and knowing us we are slow to decide and mak plans...so I don't know.
Hopefully we can get away...I really want to go somewhere to get away from here. I mean I love it and all, but I really want to spend some alone time together and somewhere else.

Aaaand I got him the best present ever ;) Can't say what it is yet but it's amazing.

On that note, I'm still sick...so I'm gonna go try and get better. Oh yes! and get ready for my Stats test tomorrow UGH!

P.S I actually called Ryan by name this time! Maybe I'll make that a constant from now on :)