to tell the truth...

The roller coaster ride isn't over. And no, I'm not saying that with sarcasm of any kind. It's just a simple statement that honestly evaluates the situation. In all reality, I know what I want. I fully know what I want, especially during the times when I get what I don't want. It becomes completely impossible for me to interact with certain people. Side note : funny how "the person I'm with" is suddenly categorized as "certain people". Anyways, I find that there are times when I gt so disgusted that the last thing I want is to be in a relationship with someone who makes me feel these things. I just want something that is my own. Someone who I share experiences with that are only exclusive to them and I, not anyone else. It just sucks to know that no matter what we do, it's been done already by him and other people. I can't get over it. I want something that is my own. Without that, I feel like we are never gonna get anywhere. By "we" I mean us, because clearly I'm the only one that feels this way. According to him, everything is fine and the only time he remembers and likes is wen he's doing all those things with me. Ok, good for you, but I don't feel that way. I feel like that's gonna come in between myself and whatever it is waiting for me out there with this person. There's not even much I can do to stop it, nor do I know if I want it to stop. I'm completely torn. I could go either way. I don't even know if it's up to me to decide anymore, since I clearly seem to be confused.

Happy 21 months.

"Somewhere beyond happiness and sadness
I need to calculate what creates my own madness
And I'm addicted to your punishment
And you’re the master and I am craving this disaster

....but the reality is I'm getting away with murder."

it's begun

Couple things...

IT'S FREAKING HOT IN HERE. Damn, the weather just skyrocketed to like a bazzilion degrees. I'm too old to handle this. haha

Things are AMAZING. I can't say it enough. I'm SO HAPPY with myself and the person I'm with and everything that is going on now. Finally things are as good as they always should be.

On that note, I told that bitch off. Told her exactly what I think about her in a nice cool collective manner and she sent me some made up reply that sounds just as fake as she is. Best thing now is to keep ignoring her, but if she calls again I'm not gnna be so nice. Get a fucking clue!

So yes, that is how things are. Did I mention I'm happy? Yeah, I AM happy.

movin along...

This weekend was good. Ryan's parents came to9 visit and we spent the whole time with them. I was really nice to Ryan the whole weekend, but kinda started snapping by the end. I mean, there's only so much niceness in me ;)
Tuesday is his birthday and I'm happy it's gonna be over with because I'm officially BROKE from buying him too much stuff. haha.

Ugh, this means SHE will call. Hopefully she'll forget he's alive and NOT call. Hey, Bella can only dream, right?!

I will battle for the sun...

...and I won’t stop until I’m done...

Finally it has happened. It happened, and feels freaking amazing. Seriously, if anybody gets in my way I'm not gonna be happy. I finally feel like everything is fine and PERFECT. Things are NEVER perfect with me, but somehow THIS is. And no one is gonna fuck it up. Sure, we have our tiffs and I'm still very emotional and always feel attacked (that's just how I operate around people who's opinion I deeply care about) but at the end of the day, at the end of that argument, 2 seconds later...everything is fine. Everything is completely fine. I'm completely 100% confident and happy and excited and just ready to scream about it so everyone knows. Before I was scared to soak in the feeling with fear that it might disappear into thin air, but now I'm totally confident it's not going anywhere. I finally feel like I found someone who is 10000% there for me and I'm the same for him. I'm really excited to see where we will go together and everything that's ahead. All those other girls, the past and any future ones that may arise can go suck a fat one. Like I said, NOTHING will ruin this for me, and for us.

With all that said, I have a math test to study for. :(
After that sleep!
I feel alone in my bed.

But I'm all :):):):):)

so let me go

I feel like I just don't know who I'm with anymore.


- I don’t wanna dream about
All the things that never were
Maybe I can live without
When I’m out from under
I don’t wanna feel the pain
What good would it do me now
I’ll get it all figured out
When I’m out from under -

It’s in the water baby, it’s in the pills that bring you down

Sometimes I wish I could be someone else. Just so that I could say the weird thoughts that pile up in my head out loud and not be looked at like I'm clinically insane. Seriously, no one except a couple of girls understand the things I bring up and that's also because they think pretty much the same way. Now, this proves that I'm not whack because I'm not the only one with a brain that overflows with concepts which would make people raise an eyebrow. Until a couple of more people start to understand me and not just push aside the things I have to say, we might continue experiencing a tiny dilemma. It seems like each time I bring something up it's always odd to talk about and we never finish, simply brushing it off under the rug and walking all over it like it never even happened in the first place. That sets an unsatisfactory feel in my mind and that is why stuff comes up again. It is never finished with and that's annoying when I come to think of it. Again, not a big issue but hey, it could be better.

As always, I'm on a massive job hunt and it's not going too well. Surprise, surprise...with this shitty economy.

Ugh, one day at a time, riiiight?

the beat goes on...

Well V-day weekend was really nice. It was really good to get away and just be together. It was too short though. Boo.

So as of now I'm still trying to adjust. Haven't I had enough time already? Yeah, seriously...I know I know.
It's just taking me a while to fully accept this person I'm with for what they have done in the past, even if it has nothing to do with me. Maybe that's the problem, maybe I'm just jealous that it wasn't with me...even though we were nowhere in each others lives at that point.

One day at a time...