to tell the truth...

The roller coaster ride isn't over. And no, I'm not saying that with sarcasm of any kind. It's just a simple statement that honestly evaluates the situation. In all reality, I know what I want. I fully know what I want, especially during the times when I get what I don't want. It becomes completely impossible for me to interact with certain people. Side note : funny how "the person I'm with" is suddenly categorized as "certain people". Anyways, I find that there are times when I gt so disgusted that the last thing I want is to be in a relationship with someone who makes me feel these things. I just want something that is my own. Someone who I share experiences with that are only exclusive to them and I, not anyone else. It just sucks to know that no matter what we do, it's been done already by him and other people. I can't get over it. I want something that is my own. Without that, I feel like we are never gonna get anywhere. By "we" I mean us, because clearly I'm the only one that feels this way. According to him, everything is fine and the only time he remembers and likes is wen he's doing all those things with me. Ok, good for you, but I don't feel that way. I feel like that's gonna come in between myself and whatever it is waiting for me out there with this person. There's not even much I can do to stop it, nor do I know if I want it to stop. I'm completely torn. I could go either way. I don't even know if it's up to me to decide anymore, since I clearly seem to be confused.

Happy 21 months.

"Somewhere beyond happiness and sadness
I need to calculate what creates my own madness
And I'm addicted to your punishment
And you’re the master and I am craving this disaster

....but the reality is I'm getting away with murder."