Cancer: You're feeling very social lately, but it seems like no one else is feeling it. If your friends are busy, venture out on your own to meet some new ones!
Sadly, this is true. I feel kinda lonely lately. Just really want to go out to some event, get together with friends, have a nice dinner all together, act stupid or even just sit in a coffee shop while talking and eating a 200 calorie mini-cake.
Any of those will do, with pretty much anyone. Well there is one person who I would rather be with more than anyone else. This is sad. I'm slightly crying so I'll end the topic here.
I realized what one of my issues is today. It all started when I followed Daniel to where the food was and ended up eating more than I should have. Then I got home and ate some more. At 11pm, I got hungry again (like I'm never actually...not hungry) and made myself more food. And this was all after I realized that I have gained a lot of weight. I am bigger than I ever can remember me being.
I realized that I may look fine to people, but deep inside I feel horrible. Feeling is so much different than looking. Everyone tells me I'm crazy. Both guys and girls. I don't trust the girls. One of my friends also thinks she is fat and when we told her she isn't, her mom said this to her; "Of course they tell you you're not fat! They are all skinny bitches so they don't want you as competition". I thought it was dumb, but it got to me. This is the mom that told my friend that she has to look like me. She would call her out on her weight everyday and tell her that "you have to look like Bella...why can't you look like her?". Here is someone who is being fucked up to her child telling her that looking like me is her goal in life, while I think of ways to make myself be thinner.
I realized that I've become obsessed. I hate every girl who is smaller than me, even if the only thing they have is bones. I hate them, because at one point in my life I was them. I was about 5'5'' and weighed no more than 70 pounds. Everyone in my step family (Gretta's real family) thought I was amazing. They kept telling her that she must look like me as well. My grandparents tried to fatten me up. My weight was the talk of the hour at any and every social family gathering. The only ones who didn't say anything were my parents. They just left me alone and said I'll grow out of it. Fucking love them for that so much, as well as hate them for it too. I can't even remember when I started to gain weight. I just remember that it all came at once. It wasn't until sophomore year that I started feeling uncomfortable. My boyfriend told me I was fat. I gained and lost pounds, but never fully returned to my old state. I was and still am weighing less than all my friends.
I hate my parents because they don't restrict me. Now I watch as Gretta's mom stops her from eating something, while I sit there with a full plate. I need a restriction. I need it to be taken away from me, because I can't do it myself. I was eating at 11 tonight and kept telling myself that it's a bad idea. Now I feel really full. I can barely breathe because I'm so full. It hurts my body and it hurts my head. It hurts inside to know that I will fucking look in the mirror tomorrow and see the same thing I see now...but twice as big. I hate myself for the fact that I give up. I do fine for a while. I work out and eat whatever I want. Then I stop and everything comes back. Or I eat super healthy and then one day just stuff myself with junk. I hate that it's become what I think about everyday. I hate that I sit there and feel disgusted with myself. I hate that others don't notice it. I hate that I can't talk to anyone about it, because no one understands. It's hard to keep inside. To them I'm all skin and bones and to me...I'm horrible.
Tomorrow is Yom Kippur (Jew repentance day) and it's a fast. Theres a good excuse not to eat. (I won't be able to not, so it doesn't matter).
Now I feel upset and my cheeks are wet. But in the end...I'm still not who I want to be.
ok the picture might be taking it a bit too far, but I'm so into this that I actually believe it.
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