haha...what!!!

I set myself up for things. Honestly, I need to read a book or something when I'm bored instead of trying to go back into people's lives. This has done nothing for me. It's not like I don't have my own problems and past to deal with, yet I get involved in other people's drama? That seems stupid.
For one though, it made me a realize a lot of things. Once again I was overwhelmed with emotion and got really sad. The reason why is still confusing. Partly because I felt sorry for the person who's misery I was reading, and partly because it reminded me of my own. I thought back to all the times I must have cried myself to sleep while thinking about what could have been between me and the person with whom I thought I was madly in love with. I remembered how much of myself I gave up for absolutely nothing. How much of myself I've wasted on someone who didn't deserve any of it. How everything I did went to waste and how I was constantly used for someone's entertainment. I can't imagine for a second though having those feelings of confusion and regret for the same person as they did. I'm actually really scared of that, but at the same time I know it will never happen.
Now I'm all confused with what I was talking about, but it was just weird to see someone who was in the same state as me towards someone who I know really well. It almost makes me want to give them back so they will stop feeling hurt and weird, but at the same time I would never do that, because that is one thing I'll never let go....or at least I'll try.
It's hard to think back and realize that I was affected by that one person so much. It was only four months on and off, but it felt like 20 years. I don't know whether to cry because I've lost so much, or laugh because I got so fucking lucky in the end. Not that I ever regret blocking that person out of my life, don't get me wrong I would NEVER go back. But I honestly think I could have done so much better. It just seems hard to believe that someone so young can feel all those things and be put through so much. Call me over emotional, but honestly I would like to see how you hold up when what I went through happens to you. G-d forbid it ever does. That's why I build walls, to keep people away. I want to open myself up to so much more and be able to just let go and be free, but at the same time I can't. I can't just allow things to happen without my control. I'm scared. I can't even explain it. Think back to when you were little, to the time you got a whole pile of candy and you were saving it up because you wanted a huge pile when you finally decided to eat them. Imagine watching over them like crazy and then one day find that they aren't there anymore because someone took them away. Sad right? That's how it is with people, except 100000 times worse. The emotional damage it leaves is seriously unbearable. Some people let go easy, but not I. I don't wanna come off all suicidal "omg I'm gonna kill myself" because I was NEVER like that and never will be.
It's just so fucking sad and confusing dealing with past and present emotions. The past always comes back to you, even when it's not your past to begin with. I can't seem to block that out. I shouldn't care, because at this moment all the attention is on me and I'm finally where I wanted to be. I finally feel like I matter and yet I still let dumb thoughts overpower my happiness. Sometimes I think I'm seriously mentally disturbed. I say one thing and the next moment I feel something different. But that's not true, at least not with this. I know how I feel and nothing will change that. I'm scared that I'll say something and fuck it all up. Someone needs to shut me up, tape my mouth shut or something.

Ok, now that that's over with...we can all move on with life which involves pink unicorns and rainbows! wooooooooooooo