all I know...

Sometimes I have so much thoughts in my heads that I can't even come to put them into sentences. I have too many of those "good cries" except they aren't good, because they are all about same big explosions in my head. All the thoughts go off at once and all hope for anything good goes away.


Hate Me :: Blue October
I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you, Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you loved me just to put it in my face
And will you never try to reach me, it is I that wanted space

Hate me today.
Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me for all the things i didn't do for you.
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.

I'm sober now for 3 whole months, it's one accomplishment that you helped me with.
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again.
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate.
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I'll never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today.
Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me for all the things i didn't do for you.
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling "Make it go away!"
Just make her smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"

Hate me today.
Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me for all the things i didn't do for you.
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.


I'm not sure how this song relates to my current anything, but it's the most soothing thing I could listen to.
And for retarded reason I feel better now. I'm an idiot. This day was pretty much perfect, but nooooo I had to go get myself into a retarded mess and end up doing this. If anyone besides people who know me really really REALLY well (well wait...I don't even know myself that well...so who the hell can those people be?) saw this I would feel completely retarded because no one in the world will EVER understand anything I'm writing about.

I'm a positive person I swear. Yes it feels funny to say that after tons and tons of shit I've expressed.