a quick death

Got myself into a new mess.
Our fight was very long and serious (I think we ignored the main issue and focused on something else instead...hmm) and didn't really solve anything except the obvious. I have to be less jealous and more trusting. That lead it to me promising I wouldn't log into accounts that are not mine. As much as it might sound creepy, that's kinda...the air I breathe...or at least some of it. Not that I want to find something bad, but it's more like I feel better when I do and see there was nothing to worry about. Now that's taken away from me.

I hate that the communication between us is so...stiff. I feel wrong and bad for wanting to bring up certain things, whether they bother me or not and totally feel like I'm not allowed. I don't know if I can deal, I don't do well on lock downs.

Scared to think about what would happen if I actually didn't come back after walking out, therefore I avoid those thoughts. Things like that make me feel like I'm dying. I get all tense and breathe hard and heavy and it honestly feels like my heart is gonna explode. There were no tears this time, just anger and disbelief. Was all this worth it? We shall see...