get back

It's been a while.
Damnit, I always have something to write about during the day, but I never write it down because I know that typing it up again after will be boring because I won't feel what I was feeling at the time.
Right now I am extremely happy and that's the way it will stay. The only thing I am lacking is sleep. Oh yes, some of that would be nice.
Daisy left already. I miss him, but not as much as before. It's nice that we got a chance to hang out. Can't wait till break...lots of sleep and work and just relaxing. How great does that sound?
The hump is tomorrow. But we will get through the hump just fine, RIIIIIGHT?

on my way,

This mellow, somewhat slow Tuesday is already coming to an end. I hate that feeling when it's kinda late and you realize there is still a pile of stuff left to do. Like this essay...that was due today. Luckily I wasn't the only one who forgot that it was due today and not Thursday and she said I can turn it in tomorrow. I freaked out and totally came up to her and asked in this amazingly nice/worried tone and she was nothing but nice to me. It's amazing how you can get your way with people you don't know. It's funny how you can have the biggest grin on your face when your whole world is upside down and they won't have the slightest clue, unlike with those that know you well when you don't even have to say anything for them to know something is up. And that is great.
I wish it would stop drizzling and actually rain, like last week. Ha, exactly a week ago at night. That was great. Felt right and is much needed.
wow, this was supposed to come out a bit deeper than it is turning out to be. I always have the perfect thing to say, but never end up saying it. I don't even seem to remember what it was. Maybe that's because it wasn't anything special? Who knows? I don't.
Ah, the bitch in math stopped staring, while the bitch in English continues too. It's fun to stare back until she ends up turning away. If she only knew what I was thinking at the time, she wouldn't be staring at all. One day I'll call her out.

Rafaella and I are planning to meet up again. This shall be very exciting and somewhat helpful. I always kinda wished I was like her back in the day. She is always involved in all these extra activities and she does so well in everything. She will get really far. I can't say I won't, but for now I'm stuck in fog. I have no idea what I want or how it will all turn out. It's fun to think about finishing school and actually...living, but at the same time I just want to go under the covers and sleep until everything is done for me. But that wouldn't be too fun.

time to go write the essay. First draft is done and corrected by more than one person, so this shall be easy. I just have to force myself to do it. aaahhh, this week needs to end. And the ending has to be the same as it has been for the past weeks, or else it just won't do it.


"Did it all get real? I guess it's real enough
They got refrigerators full of blood
Another century spent pointing guns
At anything that moves
Sometimes I worry that I've lost the plot
My twitching muscles tease my flippant thoughts
I never really dreamed of heaven much
Until we put him in the ground
But it's all I'm doing now
Listening for patterns in the sound
Of an endless static sea
But once the satellite's deceased
It blows like garbage through the streets
Of the night sky to infinity


Don't be a criminal in this police state
You'd better shop and eat and procreate
You've got vacation days, then you might escape
To a condo on the coast
I set my watch to the atomic clock
I hear the crowd count down until the bomb gets dropped
I always figured there'd be time enough
I never let it get me down
But I can't help it now
Looking for faces in the clouds
I've got some friends I barely see
But we're all planning to meet
We'll lay in bags as dead as leaves
All together for eternity

But don't you weep
Don't you weep
There is nothing as lucky
Honey, don't you weep
Don't you weep
There is nothing as lucky
As easy
Or free"


...as what?!!! The song fails to tell me!
WTF...I'm so not satisfied!

true romance.

Great day to write.
Great day to fucking fall down a hole and die.
I don't mean that. I don't mean anything I say today, except what I'm about to write, even if it comes out sounding like a complete pile of contradictions.

Today can be added to a list of shitty days for several reasons.
One being that feeling hungover is not exactly fun, nor is puking and wishing I would die last night. The whole thing made me be super touchy and mean. I went off on like 3 people today because they were talking loud. I even went off on you for making me feel like you hate me. Yeah...I'm talking to you. From now on this entry is directed towards you. Here is what I don't think I can tell you now, but probably will anyways. You know how I am. I love you. Not just for what you did, but just because. I love you for every reason that exists in the world, while at the same time just loving you for no reason at all. Is that weird? I don't think it's bad. I think it's fucking great. I don't need to come up with a reason to love you. Just you existing is enough. and don't think it's not hard for me. Being away drives me crazy sometimes. I have random desires during the day to just see you, even just for a minute. I think of you often and how there is no one else I can see myself with. I feel close, but at times like these when everything in my head is out of control I don't see our perfect connection. I even broke down when we were talking online about last night being good and bad. Gretta thought I was crazy and calmed me down on the phone. I'm sorry I question things. I question them often. I don't doubt you on purpose. I don't doubt you at all actually. I guess I doubt myself and my ability to make this work. I'm trying, and so far it has not been hard. You've made it easy for me to just be happy without a reason and that's something no one has ever done for me yet. The last two months have been some of the best times I've ever had. I guess I'm scared that this perfect cloud will dissolve without notice, but who isn't scared of such things at first? I know deep inside that we will be okay, even if I do need you to confirm it for me.
I'm scared of you seeing me fuck up. The feeling that I had in the past, that I wasn't good enough still returns to me sometimes and I think back to the time when I was feeling like there was no point to anything. I think back to the time when I was left alone by the only person I cared about more than anything and I get scared. I get scared of having to go back to that. I don't want to ever feel that again, especially with you. This has gone way beyond anything playful for me. I don't know how we will end up, or where and I don't really want to think about it now. Everything seems to fall apart when you plan it too far ahead of time. All I know is that I want to be with you. That feeling remains no matter what I'm going through. I want to be with you even when I hate the whole world and also when I'm the happiest person alive.

I don't know what to say anymore. This is positive. I'm determined. I feel better now. I hope you get what I'm saying. I know you will, cause I can't even explain what I wrote above, but I mean it. I really do.

trippin on infected mushrooms

Wake me up before I change again
Remind me the story that I won´t get insane
Tell me why it´s always the same
Explain me the reason why I´m so much in pain

Before I change again...
Remind me the story that I won't get insane
Before I change again...
Remind me the story that I won't get insane

Insane, Insane, Insane, Insane,Insane,
I'm Becoming Insane.