true romance.

Great day to write.
Great day to fucking fall down a hole and die.
I don't mean that. I don't mean anything I say today, except what I'm about to write, even if it comes out sounding like a complete pile of contradictions.

Today can be added to a list of shitty days for several reasons.
One being that feeling hungover is not exactly fun, nor is puking and wishing I would die last night. The whole thing made me be super touchy and mean. I went off on like 3 people today because they were talking loud. I even went off on you for making me feel like you hate me. Yeah...I'm talking to you. From now on this entry is directed towards you. Here is what I don't think I can tell you now, but probably will anyways. You know how I am. I love you. Not just for what you did, but just because. I love you for every reason that exists in the world, while at the same time just loving you for no reason at all. Is that weird? I don't think it's bad. I think it's fucking great. I don't need to come up with a reason to love you. Just you existing is enough. and don't think it's not hard for me. Being away drives me crazy sometimes. I have random desires during the day to just see you, even just for a minute. I think of you often and how there is no one else I can see myself with. I feel close, but at times like these when everything in my head is out of control I don't see our perfect connection. I even broke down when we were talking online about last night being good and bad. Gretta thought I was crazy and calmed me down on the phone. I'm sorry I question things. I question them often. I don't doubt you on purpose. I don't doubt you at all actually. I guess I doubt myself and my ability to make this work. I'm trying, and so far it has not been hard. You've made it easy for me to just be happy without a reason and that's something no one has ever done for me yet. The last two months have been some of the best times I've ever had. I guess I'm scared that this perfect cloud will dissolve without notice, but who isn't scared of such things at first? I know deep inside that we will be okay, even if I do need you to confirm it for me.
I'm scared of you seeing me fuck up. The feeling that I had in the past, that I wasn't good enough still returns to me sometimes and I think back to the time when I was feeling like there was no point to anything. I think back to the time when I was left alone by the only person I cared about more than anything and I get scared. I get scared of having to go back to that. I don't want to ever feel that again, especially with you. This has gone way beyond anything playful for me. I don't know how we will end up, or where and I don't really want to think about it now. Everything seems to fall apart when you plan it too far ahead of time. All I know is that I want to be with you. That feeling remains no matter what I'm going through. I want to be with you even when I hate the whole world and also when I'm the happiest person alive.

I don't know what to say anymore. This is positive. I'm determined. I feel better now. I hope you get what I'm saying. I know you will, cause I can't even explain what I wrote above, but I mean it. I really do.