Okay that story below is gonna need to chill for a while until I have the inner want to finish it.

So I sat here (this is what I do instead of sleeping) tonight and thought about how it would be great if I had more self confidence. Sure I walk around like nothing ever bothers me, but a lot of things tend to drive me insane. But I guess that's normal, as long as I'm doing what feels right. And I am.

am I?

I am happy.
(everyone take a minute to gasp)
Okay, you can stop now.
And.....I'm STILL happy.
Wow, this IS for real :D

Meow, look at the time!
Fine, I'm going I'm going.

<3

You're the only one
I'd be with till the end.
When I come undone
you bring me back again.
Back under the stars,
Back into your arms.

best fucking thing ever,

I cried the first time I heard this song live at Download Fest. But right now this is all I need to help me feel better. Better about everything. Absolutely EVERYTHING.
Fuck all that dumb shit. Honestly, there's nothing to bitch about.

AFI - The Interview

Forever waiting for disaster
What David calls servant and master,
will you play it, too?
As this displacement begs for water,
swimming, bathing, drowning in Sorrow,

Scream with me
I crawl across this cracked expansion.
I'll be buried soon
beneath the sand with pure intentions,
wanting something, someone to follow

For a change I'll refrain
from hiding all of me from you.
Here's my lullaby
Pray for rain, lose your name
And watch all your dreams fall through.
Hush now, don't you cry.

I swoon upon my knees come crashing
Will you bury me?
Today, this small favor I'm asking
Hold me. You may drop me tomorrow.

For a change, I'll refrain
From hiding all of me from you.
Here's my lullaby
Pray for rain, lose your name
And watch all your dreams fall through

For a change, I'll refrain
From hiding all of me from you
Pray for rain, lose your name
And watch all your dreams fall through
It's my lullaby,
Hush now, don't you cry.

Calm down. Come now, cold resides with me.
I flee to decemberunderground.
As you exhale, I breathe in and sink into the water underground
and I'll grow pale without you.


I think I would grow pale without AFI. It's the air I breathe...really.

all I know...

Sometimes I have so much thoughts in my heads that I can't even come to put them into sentences. I have too many of those "good cries" except they aren't good, because they are all about same big explosions in my head. All the thoughts go off at once and all hope for anything good goes away.


Hate Me :: Blue October
I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you, Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you loved me just to put it in my face
And will you never try to reach me, it is I that wanted space

Hate me today.
Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me for all the things i didn't do for you.
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.

I'm sober now for 3 whole months, it's one accomplishment that you helped me with.
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again.
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate.
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I'll never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today.
Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me for all the things i didn't do for you.
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling "Make it go away!"
Just make her smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"

Hate me today.
Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me for all the things i didn't do for you.
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.


I'm not sure how this song relates to my current anything, but it's the most soothing thing I could listen to.
And for retarded reason I feel better now. I'm an idiot. This day was pretty much perfect, but nooooo I had to go get myself into a retarded mess and end up doing this. If anyone besides people who know me really really REALLY well (well wait...I don't even know myself that well...so who the hell can those people be?) saw this I would feel completely retarded because no one in the world will EVER understand anything I'm writing about.

I'm a positive person I swear. Yes it feels funny to say that after tons and tons of shit I've expressed.

kill yourself please

Fuck you.
Fuck you and your stupid ways of living and your idiotic thoughts and feelings. Let's ask me what I feel, shall we? I don't know...what can you diagnose from all this doctor? That I'm seriously about to explode? Seriously each time I get all calm and start breathing I end up ticking away and one fucking day I'm just going to explode. I'm coming to accept the fact that I can't do this anymore more and more everyday.
You're driving me crazy. Go away.

how it goes...

I'm never gonna get half as much as I put in back. Seriously, it's just not gonna happen and as much as I always think it will...it won't.
But I guess that's just how it goes.

So unscrew my head
And rinse it out
Polish my thoughts
Turn into doubts
Unscrew my head
And rinse it out
Polish my thoughts
Turn into
Turn into doubts.

the interview...

Ok, I would like to take this chance to clear a few things up and set some shit straight. This is probably the most profound thing I'll write and I have a feeling next time I feel shitty I'll completely contradict every sentence that is about to follow. But hey, that's just how it goes.
I just spent some time reading my old blog entries on Xanga. (I read so much of other people's shit that I forgot about my own). Anyways, I'm a hypocrite. I single out others for things they have felt when really I'm just like them. I have four years of stuff I can't even describe written in that blog. I've gone from being a little innocent (in all sense of the word) girl to a sad, mean, unforgiving person in those four little years. It's amazing to look back and to also realize that I'm a completely different person than I was even two years ago when the last entry was written.
Let's get this straight both for you and I. (But mostly for ME).

I AM NOT a sad person anymore.
I have nothing to be sad about. I don't have people dragging me down. I don't have people who abuse and betray me. I don't have to sit there "pieced up in sorrow" like my blog name states. Sure, I get upset! I'm a freaking emotional person. One wrong word can drag me down, but that usually doesn't last long. There is no huge problems in my way and there is NOTHING to sit and regret.
For a person my age, I'm super lucky. I have what most people don't. Yes, I don't have much physically, but emotionally I've got it cut out for me. There should never be a day where I feel like I don't matter. Never. That would be a lie.
As I (used to) sit here and read about people's sad, sorry lives I began to understand that I'm so much better off. So it sucked for them at one point, BUT it doesn't suck for me so WHY should I dwell in their sorrows?! I have a chance and I'm going to take it. It's not even a chance. There is no right or wrong. It is all right and my only problem is giving into it. I have to fight myself in order to give into something that is good for me unlike in the past where I had a love for getting myself screwed over. There is no dark tunnel, no fog, no confusion. The only thing stopping me is in my head. But I do admit when I give in and just breathe in when I give it my all, is when I feel perfect. That's when I feel happy and complete.

I like to say I'm mature. I take pride in being a lot more smarter than most people my age, but I can honestly say that sometimes I'm below standards. I should know better than to act that way. I'm not alone anymore and my feelings/thoughts turned into actions don't only affect me anymore and I can't allow myself to hurt people who I care about. The people who made me realize all this.

That was deep, and I won't discuss it with anyone in person (hence the fact that I wrote it).
I should write a movie script. Sick, twisted and completely insane.
Yes, that's me and the inside of my head. But hey, I knew something good would come out of it.

Damn, I'm good.

...and I would be even better if I went to bed.
Goodnight.

For a change, I'll refrain
From hiding all of me from you
Here's my lullaby
Pray for rain, lose your name
And watch all your dreams fall through
Hush now, don't you cry