I was absolutely fine until about 3 minutes ago. It's times like these when I have lots of things to do but I only end up sitting in front of the computer looking at things I should not be looking at. I've been doing better though. I don't get myself into looking at things I wasn't involved in at the time of occurrence and that stops me from making assumptions and guesses about what happened. But the facts till remains that I know enough to make me sad. It shouldn't matter but it still gets me down. I guess I am the type of person who lives in the past? I don't want to be this person I describe, but it's not something that's easy to get away from. Ugghhh so frustrating. It's weird, sometimes I feel like EVERYTHING is perfect and nothing can get in the way and sometimes there are times when I get really sad and think "oh well, it's just not gonna work out" and it's so hard to control. I must admit I do like that amazing feeling where I think that everything is good, because at the time...it really is.
This means I just have to keep myself busy. And try really hard not to TRY and find things and try and NOT be sad and TRY to understand and accept and let go, or not give a shit because it really doesn't matter. What matters is NOW. What matters is ME and US and everything we have built up to.
aaahhh let's see if I stick to my statements...
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
from the sky I pulled you down tonight....
All seems to be going well. I feel weird saying that, because everytime I do make this kind of a statement, it ends up pinching me in the ass...hard. Maybe I'm being a bit pessimistic here? I don't think so. Honestly, each time I admit to being happy, shit fucks up right then and there. I'm scared for what is coming...if that is the case.
She called on Friday and he told me because I asked. He said he was gonna erase it from his call log and not tell me because it's no big deal. It makes me sad that he would consider something like that. She left a voicemail and we listened to it together. In her whiny stupid voice she rambled on about how she wants to catch up and how it's been sooooo long so he should call her back. He promised he wouldn't and for some reason I believe him. Lately I haven't been dwelling on things that he has done to upset me. Nothing seems to stick, and maybe that's because there are no major issues to think about. For now all is good, but as I said in my above paragraph, this cannot last forever.
There are times when I get this crazy feeling that I've found everything I've ever wanted in this person. I can't even look at him because I find myself going insane from all the feelings rushing though my mind. Sometimes it's too much to handle, but that's a good thing ;)
She called on Friday and he told me because I asked. He said he was gonna erase it from his call log and not tell me because it's no big deal. It makes me sad that he would consider something like that. She left a voicemail and we listened to it together. In her whiny stupid voice she rambled on about how she wants to catch up and how it's been sooooo long so he should call her back. He promised he wouldn't and for some reason I believe him. Lately I haven't been dwelling on things that he has done to upset me. Nothing seems to stick, and maybe that's because there are no major issues to think about. For now all is good, but as I said in my above paragraph, this cannot last forever.
There are times when I get this crazy feeling that I've found everything I've ever wanted in this person. I can't even look at him because I find myself going insane from all the feelings rushing though my mind. Sometimes it's too much to handle, but that's a good thing ;)
Monday, November 10, 2008
Night life the high life she just wants a good life
The past week was the most annoying week I think we have ever had. There wasn't a day when we wouldn't snap at one another for any and every little thing possible. We avoided getting into fights and me being mad and hanging up and telling off and singing off and sad faces and the usual him not thinking of MY feelings. That's the last thing we needed and we did a good job avoiding it. How? I'm still not sure, just thank God it turned out this way.
If anything, I think we reached the moment where it's like...is this really what we want? This is us at our worst annoying moments and our stubborn little selves wanting to make things better. It's been hard for me to realize how hard I have to work (literally) to be able to live together and do what we want to do. That was like a real wake up call. I mean I knew this before. I wouldn't allow myself to live with him without having a job, but this all just made me realize I have a long way to go. I know it's hard for him too and he's the one waiting for me. I feel like I've kinda lost control of things and for once I'm the one to blame for whatever is not happening in our relationship. I really need to step up. It's hard to realize that he's pretty much just waiting out for me to grow up and see what I truly want. And I know that he's still scared I'll wake up one day and change my mind about being with him and turn my back on our relationship and walk out and that's not an easy thing to handle. He tells me he's not worried and he's fine but honestly I know that he is. I can see it each time we argue and fight. He just gets so scared. I get scared too...that he will leave me, but I shouldn't think like that. And I need to lighten up and not always react negatively to EVERY little thing. That's not nice. I need to control myself.
It's just hard right now, but we both want to be with each other so I guess everything is fine. Ugghh I have so much to make up for.
.......Accidents out on the highway to somewhere
They tell us about when we we're young
Rescuers working to clean up the crashes
Before she can see what they've done
Nobody told her she'd lose in the first round
The last fight was fixed from the start
Name's on her sidewalks they move through her body
Like razors they cut through her heart.......
If anything, I think we reached the moment where it's like...is this really what we want? This is us at our worst annoying moments and our stubborn little selves wanting to make things better. It's been hard for me to realize how hard I have to work (literally) to be able to live together and do what we want to do. That was like a real wake up call. I mean I knew this before. I wouldn't allow myself to live with him without having a job, but this all just made me realize I have a long way to go. I know it's hard for him too and he's the one waiting for me. I feel like I've kinda lost control of things and for once I'm the one to blame for whatever is not happening in our relationship. I really need to step up. It's hard to realize that he's pretty much just waiting out for me to grow up and see what I truly want. And I know that he's still scared I'll wake up one day and change my mind about being with him and turn my back on our relationship and walk out and that's not an easy thing to handle. He tells me he's not worried and he's fine but honestly I know that he is. I can see it each time we argue and fight. He just gets so scared. I get scared too...that he will leave me, but I shouldn't think like that. And I need to lighten up and not always react negatively to EVERY little thing. That's not nice. I need to control myself.
It's just hard right now, but we both want to be with each other so I guess everything is fine. Ugghh I have so much to make up for.
.......Accidents out on the highway to somewhere
They tell us about when we we're young
Rescuers working to clean up the crashes
Before she can see what they've done
Nobody told her she'd lose in the first round
The last fight was fixed from the start
Name's on her sidewalks they move through her body
Like razors they cut through her heart.......
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