So check this.
Yesterday afternoon was kinda annoying. So annoying that I just had to go out. Walked to the park on Lake. The very same park Gretta, Mike and I were taken to everyday from since I was 7 to around age 13. Pretty much ever since I came here.
Anyways, it was super weird actually walking through the playground. I went to my favorite part of the whole place; the swings. Finally, I am all alone with no one being stupid or annoying to me. Just had to make sure to watch out for all the little kids running around. Funny, when I was 10 I didn't give a shit about who I would hit and now here I was worrying about the safety of children who had nothing to do with me. I remembered back to the time when we would go super high on the swings and then at the end "go crazy". That meant turning right and left causing the swing to twist. Made it super fun. Also, we would go super high and jump off. Whoever landed the farthest...won. I loved jumping off those swings, but had a little fear of "going crazy". The nice little castle we used to climb on (I would be scared to go to the top) looked really small and the huge slide was tiny, and the trees and rocks we used to sit on didn't even seem like they would support my weight now.
So once again I'm on this swing, having the time of my life. Amazing song playing on the Ipod, sun shining, and no one bothering me. That's some deep stuff right there.
Then I look to my right and see 12.
Now..who the fuck is "12?" right?
I forgot his real name! I met 12 through Lena. I think he was her friend. We talked online, then met up...finally. Took a walk in the park, talked and drank good fraps from Starbucks. At the end of it all, he walked me home. He lives four blocks away. As we were saying bye, we both kinda understood that something was missing. We didn't talk again after. About 2 weeks ago we ran into one another on Clement as I was walking home at around 9pm. The encounter was the same as the one we had before. He was running down the street and I was deep in thought about the track playing on the Ipod. We both stopped, said hello and both agreed we should continue talking online. Then I continued walking and he kept running. The reason he is "12" is because I told Lena he looked like a little boy, like he was 12. It stuck ever since.
12 does Parkour. (You know...where people jump over things and pretty much fly from building to building). So I look over and see him doing his thing to my right.
Fucking A. I am fucking trying to be alone. Couldn't he go jump over tables somewhere else?! Did he have to be there at that moment!? The only good thing was that I was wearing my sunglasses, so he didn't see me. Imagine how awkward that would be.
At one point I said fuck it, blasted the song louder and concentrated on going as high as I could on that swing. Then I let go. No I did not fall, but it felt amazing to let go. I remember looking over and seeing him stare at me for sometime. I coudn't see exactly for how long, the sun was shining brightly.
Then I got tired and left. He was gone as I was leaving. Had a smoke on the way there, but the piece of crap wouldn't light on the way back. Guess it wasn't meant to be.
Days out like that make me feel better. I'm not even exactly sure what I was upset about.
This week seems to be going by slow.
Saturday is LoveFest. Gretta and I have planned to meet up tomorrow at school and then go shop for some crazy things to wear. Should be a blast.
I just hope things don't get out of control too much. Gretta is hard to control when gone wild, and I shouldn't even begin to talk.
We shall see.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Saturday, September 22, 2007
dumb.
I'm talking to Gretta. I hate it when she's right.
She gave me the same advice I always give her. "If you have a problem with something...do something about it". I guess I do always tell her that. But when it comes time to me...I can't help myself. Sure...I can do something about feeling like an elephant, but I can't guaranty that it will be good. No actually, I probably don't have the balls to do it. So I'll stay like this forever.
Bought cigs yesterday. Bad bad BAD!
Ugh, I can't even talk about how stupid I am lately.
She gave me the same advice I always give her. "If you have a problem with something...do something about it". I guess I do always tell her that. But when it comes time to me...I can't help myself. Sure...I can do something about feeling like an elephant, but I can't guaranty that it will be good. No actually, I probably don't have the balls to do it. So I'll stay like this forever.
Bought cigs yesterday. Bad bad BAD!
Ugh, I can't even talk about how stupid I am lately.
hang me out to dry.
Today was somewhat okay. Nothing exciting really.
Woke up at 12:30. Got ready and went out shopping for a new desk. Found a really nice one, but it's way too dark plus my printer wouldn't fit on the shelf it comes with.
Came home, went online and once again did not do homework or clean my room. Somethings never change.
My nails keep breaking and I ate too much...again.
But I have a new plan. I thought of it yesterday and I'm not going to tell anyone what it was until I achieve my goal. Don't even ask.
Tomorrow should be amazing.
Woke up at 12:30. Got ready and went out shopping for a new desk. Found a really nice one, but it's way too dark plus my printer wouldn't fit on the shelf it comes with.
Came home, went online and once again did not do homework or clean my room. Somethings never change.
My nails keep breaking and I ate too much...again.
But I have a new plan. I thought of it yesterday and I'm not going to tell anyone what it was until I achieve my goal. Don't even ask.
Tomorrow should be amazing.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
If only you knew, would you save me?
Facebook says:
Cancer: You're feeling very social lately, but it seems like no one else is feeling it. If your friends are busy, venture out on your own to meet some new ones!
Sadly, this is true. I feel kinda lonely lately. Just really want to go out to some event, get together with friends, have a nice dinner all together, act stupid or even just sit in a coffee shop while talking and eating a 200 calorie mini-cake.
Any of those will do, with pretty much anyone. Well there is one person who I would rather be with more than anyone else. This is sad. I'm slightly crying so I'll end the topic here.
I realized what one of my issues is today. It all started when I followed Daniel to where the food was and ended up eating more than I should have. Then I got home and ate some more. At 11pm, I got hungry again (like I'm never actually...not hungry) and made myself more food. And this was all after I realized that I have gained a lot of weight. I am bigger than I ever can remember me being.
I realized that I may look fine to people, but deep inside I feel horrible. Feeling is so much different than looking. Everyone tells me I'm crazy. Both guys and girls. I don't trust the girls. One of my friends also thinks she is fat and when we told her she isn't, her mom said this to her; "Of course they tell you you're not fat! They are all skinny bitches so they don't want you as competition". I thought it was dumb, but it got to me. This is the mom that told my friend that she has to look like me. She would call her out on her weight everyday and tell her that "you have to look like Bella...why can't you look like her?". Here is someone who is being fucked up to her child telling her that looking like me is her goal in life, while I think of ways to make myself be thinner.
I realized that I've become obsessed. I hate every girl who is smaller than me, even if the only thing they have is bones. I hate them, because at one point in my life I was them. I was about 5'5'' and weighed no more than 70 pounds. Everyone in my step family (Gretta's real family) thought I was amazing. They kept telling her that she must look like me as well. My grandparents tried to fatten me up. My weight was the talk of the hour at any and every social family gathering. The only ones who didn't say anything were my parents. They just left me alone and said I'll grow out of it. Fucking love them for that so much, as well as hate them for it too. I can't even remember when I started to gain weight. I just remember that it all came at once. It wasn't until sophomore year that I started feeling uncomfortable. My boyfriend told me I was fat. I gained and lost pounds, but never fully returned to my old state. I was and still am weighing less than all my friends.
I hate my parents because they don't restrict me. Now I watch as Gretta's mom stops her from eating something, while I sit there with a full plate. I need a restriction. I need it to be taken away from me, because I can't do it myself. I was eating at 11 tonight and kept telling myself that it's a bad idea. Now I feel really full. I can barely breathe because I'm so full. It hurts my body and it hurts my head. It hurts inside to know that I will fucking look in the mirror tomorrow and see the same thing I see now...but twice as big. I hate myself for the fact that I give up. I do fine for a while. I work out and eat whatever I want. Then I stop and everything comes back. Or I eat super healthy and then one day just stuff myself with junk. I hate that it's become what I think about everyday. I hate that I sit there and feel disgusted with myself. I hate that others don't notice it. I hate that I can't talk to anyone about it, because no one understands. It's hard to keep inside. To them I'm all skin and bones and to me...I'm horrible.
Tomorrow is Yom Kippur (Jew repentance day) and it's a fast. Theres a good excuse not to eat. (I won't be able to not, so it doesn't matter).
Now I feel upset and my cheeks are wet. But in the end...I'm still not who I want to be.
ok the picture might be taking it a bit too far, but I'm so into this that I actually believe it.
Cancer: You're feeling very social lately, but it seems like no one else is feeling it. If your friends are busy, venture out on your own to meet some new ones!
Sadly, this is true. I feel kinda lonely lately. Just really want to go out to some event, get together with friends, have a nice dinner all together, act stupid or even just sit in a coffee shop while talking and eating a 200 calorie mini-cake.
Any of those will do, with pretty much anyone. Well there is one person who I would rather be with more than anyone else. This is sad. I'm slightly crying so I'll end the topic here.
I realized what one of my issues is today. It all started when I followed Daniel to where the food was and ended up eating more than I should have. Then I got home and ate some more. At 11pm, I got hungry again (like I'm never actually...not hungry) and made myself more food. And this was all after I realized that I have gained a lot of weight. I am bigger than I ever can remember me being.
I realized that I may look fine to people, but deep inside I feel horrible. Feeling is so much different than looking. Everyone tells me I'm crazy. Both guys and girls. I don't trust the girls. One of my friends also thinks she is fat and when we told her she isn't, her mom said this to her; "Of course they tell you you're not fat! They are all skinny bitches so they don't want you as competition". I thought it was dumb, but it got to me. This is the mom that told my friend that she has to look like me. She would call her out on her weight everyday and tell her that "you have to look like Bella...why can't you look like her?". Here is someone who is being fucked up to her child telling her that looking like me is her goal in life, while I think of ways to make myself be thinner.
I realized that I've become obsessed. I hate every girl who is smaller than me, even if the only thing they have is bones. I hate them, because at one point in my life I was them. I was about 5'5'' and weighed no more than 70 pounds. Everyone in my step family (Gretta's real family) thought I was amazing. They kept telling her that she must look like me as well. My grandparents tried to fatten me up. My weight was the talk of the hour at any and every social family gathering. The only ones who didn't say anything were my parents. They just left me alone and said I'll grow out of it. Fucking love them for that so much, as well as hate them for it too. I can't even remember when I started to gain weight. I just remember that it all came at once. It wasn't until sophomore year that I started feeling uncomfortable. My boyfriend told me I was fat. I gained and lost pounds, but never fully returned to my old state. I was and still am weighing less than all my friends.
I hate my parents because they don't restrict me. Now I watch as Gretta's mom stops her from eating something, while I sit there with a full plate. I need a restriction. I need it to be taken away from me, because I can't do it myself. I was eating at 11 tonight and kept telling myself that it's a bad idea. Now I feel really full. I can barely breathe because I'm so full. It hurts my body and it hurts my head. It hurts inside to know that I will fucking look in the mirror tomorrow and see the same thing I see now...but twice as big. I hate myself for the fact that I give up. I do fine for a while. I work out and eat whatever I want. Then I stop and everything comes back. Or I eat super healthy and then one day just stuff myself with junk. I hate that it's become what I think about everyday. I hate that I sit there and feel disgusted with myself. I hate that others don't notice it. I hate that I can't talk to anyone about it, because no one understands. It's hard to keep inside. To them I'm all skin and bones and to me...I'm horrible.
Tomorrow is Yom Kippur (Jew repentance day) and it's a fast. Theres a good excuse not to eat. (I won't be able to not, so it doesn't matter).
Now I feel upset and my cheeks are wet. But in the end...I'm still not who I want to be.
ok the picture might be taking it a bit too far, but I'm so into this that I actually believe it.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
like what the ef?
After I wrote that essay last night, I realized that we were also supposed to turn in the little paragraph the teacher corrected in class as well. Well, I totally forgot to get the paragraph from her box last Thursday (I had like 3 days to do it...wow).
So I went before class in the morning. Mine was the last one in the envelope. I read the two comments she wrote me and decided that I have already fixed those in my final draft.
I get to class she asks me if I got her email. Email? No...I didn't get her email. Tells me to stay after class. Oh shit. Thought it was my previous essay. Thought she hated it and will tell me I need tutoring. Freaked.
Come up after class and she says "I asked if you would like an extra day on your essay because I couldn't give you the paragraph with my comments on it in time." WAIT...I thought I had to come and get it myself?! haha ok you wanna make it seem like YOU forgot? ok. great! BUT I FUCKING TURNED THE ESSAY IN ALREADY! So it doesn't matter. But...damn! I shouldn't have done it!!! But I would be stuck with it now, which is bad anyways.
Genia helped me do my math in English today. Left it all for morning. I know he loves this kinda stuff. He almost went to class with me...when he was done with his class for the day. That boy is sick in the head. Attend an extra math class...out of desire? Whoa, that's just beyond me.
Nate? Yeah his name is Nate. Guy in English needs to stop staring. I must admit it's fun though. You look over at him and see that he's looking at you. Then you sharply turn away. Two seconds later you gently look back at him. Then he ends up looking at you again. And then you don't look at him for the remainder of time. Makes time go by much faster, trust me.
After class I ended up stumbling into Starbucks. Sat on the comfy couch like chair for about two hours drinking a Soy White Chocolate Mocha and going over the driver handbook. After my leg fell asleep completely, I left to get my eyebrows done. I mean...what kind of person goes to take a written test without amazing eyebrows?! I'm bound to pass now. Speaking of eyebrows...when I told Kyle why I couldn't hang out with him today he was all like "what? I never heard of people getting their eyebrows done" and I was like "uhh...they aren't all nicely shaped naturally..." and he's like "well I know people do them...but not like...professionally?" haha silly boy.
I shouldn't have said that. Whatever, I'm just going to come off silly if I don't pass. I have 3 tries, leave the alone people!!! :P
So I went before class in the morning. Mine was the last one in the envelope. I read the two comments she wrote me and decided that I have already fixed those in my final draft.
I get to class she asks me if I got her email. Email? No...I didn't get her email. Tells me to stay after class. Oh shit. Thought it was my previous essay. Thought she hated it and will tell me I need tutoring. Freaked.
Come up after class and she says "I asked if you would like an extra day on your essay because I couldn't give you the paragraph with my comments on it in time." WAIT...I thought I had to come and get it myself?! haha ok you wanna make it seem like YOU forgot? ok. great! BUT I FUCKING TURNED THE ESSAY IN ALREADY! So it doesn't matter. But...damn! I shouldn't have done it!!! But I would be stuck with it now, which is bad anyways.
Genia helped me do my math in English today. Left it all for morning. I know he loves this kinda stuff. He almost went to class with me...when he was done with his class for the day. That boy is sick in the head. Attend an extra math class...out of desire? Whoa, that's just beyond me.
Nate? Yeah his name is Nate. Guy in English needs to stop staring. I must admit it's fun though. You look over at him and see that he's looking at you. Then you sharply turn away. Two seconds later you gently look back at him. Then he ends up looking at you again. And then you don't look at him for the remainder of time. Makes time go by much faster, trust me.
After class I ended up stumbling into Starbucks. Sat on the comfy couch like chair for about two hours drinking a Soy White Chocolate Mocha and going over the driver handbook. After my leg fell asleep completely, I left to get my eyebrows done. I mean...what kind of person goes to take a written test without amazing eyebrows?! I'm bound to pass now. Speaking of eyebrows...when I told Kyle why I couldn't hang out with him today he was all like "what? I never heard of people getting their eyebrows done" and I was like "uhh...they aren't all nicely shaped naturally..." and he's like "well I know people do them...but not like...professionally?" haha silly boy.
I shouldn't have said that. Whatever, I'm just going to come off silly if I don't pass. I have 3 tries, leave the alone people!!! :P
Monday, September 17, 2007
fucked.
This day needs to end.
END END END.
I have to write the fucking essay.
No I don't.
Yeah...I do.
No..I don't have to!
Why not?!
Cause I can just...not go tomorrow.
NO.
I have to go.
uhh...NO I don't.
Ok so I can spend that hour and ten minutes sitting in the cafe doing math homework. If I DO go...I will have to finish the math homework ON TOP of this fucking essay...TONIGHT!
I can't take that.
Too tired.
Lets say I decide to NOT go.
Meaning...no essay tonight and especially no math!
What will I do instead? Sleep??? Oh I wish.
Nope, I'll stay up like always and still be tired in the morning.
Fuck.
I can't sleep with the feeling like I have not done anything I needed to.
I ate too much again. I can't sleep while thinking or feeling like that!
10:27! What a fucker. At least I have a draft...I can do this.
Tomorrow will be the same. Will have from like four to eleven to do hw...but will put it off.
I'm great at putting things like that off.
I want the weekend.
I want my six week winter break.
I want this all to die.
I want to stop acting stupid and do what I need to.
I guess I am asking for too much.
fuccckkkkkk
END END END.
I have to write the fucking essay.
No I don't.
Yeah...I do.
No..I don't have to!
Why not?!
Cause I can just...not go tomorrow.
NO.
I have to go.
uhh...NO I don't.
Ok so I can spend that hour and ten minutes sitting in the cafe doing math homework. If I DO go...I will have to finish the math homework ON TOP of this fucking essay...TONIGHT!
I can't take that.
Too tired.
Lets say I decide to NOT go.
Meaning...no essay tonight and especially no math!
What will I do instead? Sleep??? Oh I wish.
Nope, I'll stay up like always and still be tired in the morning.
Fuck.
I can't sleep with the feeling like I have not done anything I needed to.
I ate too much again. I can't sleep while thinking or feeling like that!
10:27! What a fucker. At least I have a draft...I can do this.
Tomorrow will be the same. Will have from like four to eleven to do hw...but will put it off.
I'm great at putting things like that off.
I want the weekend.
I want my six week winter break.
I want this all to die.
I want to stop acting stupid and do what I need to.
I guess I am asking for too much.
fuccckkkkkk
Here We Go Again...
What a typical Monday. One of those Mondays when you know you have four more days until you can finally relax on that nice Friday night.
Awoke feeling like I have not slept in ages. Got up, drank some some juice, put on a sad excuse for makeup and left. Got to school, went to class, had lunch while reading the stupid driver manual, sat with Jake before his class and then went to meet with Rafaella. We had a good time. It was short, but sweet. Met up at Stonestown (I swear I'm going to hate that place very soon, since it's a two minute walk from school and I find myself there too often.)
Her and I decided that if she doesn't move far for college, we will get a place together. That would be amazing. Living with my best friend. Someone who has known me for six years. Someone I feel comfortable with. And someone who I can be stupid with. I wish it would come true.
On one hand I want her to go Washington like she does for school. She is a hard worker and will do just fine there, but I also want her to stay. I pretty much told her today that if she moves our friendship will end, because we will not put in enough effort to stay in touch. (We barely hang out now and we live a bus ride away and our schools are like five minutes apart.) The good thing is that we both will be here for our birthdays in June. That might be our last grand time together. She on the other hand thinks we will be friends until we die. I also hope that she is right.
Speaking of going away, my other friend Sandra, who I have known for seven years is leaving on Saturday for Davis. Mariya planned a little sleepover for Friday so that we can have a rad time before Sandra goes. Sure, Davis is close. I mean I went to Davis to see AFI play and I'm sure I can go there again to visit a friend. I just know things won't be the same. When Marianna left a year ago, she would only call Mariya and I and ask for gossip. We did not have much to talk about. When we met up and went on Haight as always, our conversations were full of crap and we enjoyed spending time away from one another better...or so it seemed. But now I don't give a crap about her. After what she said to Mariya, she can go kiss my ass. Calls me up talking about the argument Mariya and her got into. Tells me to tell Mariya. I do. Mariya confronts her. Mariya's response is "Well I only told Bella because I know she has a big mouth and would tell you anyways". Fuck you. Go die. Stupid bitch.
Rafaella and I walked into Hot Topic for no reason at all. One of the guys working there started talking to me asking me if I walked in before. I did indeed. Tried on pants that I told him looked better on the hanger. He said sorry. I told him not to be, since he didn't make the pants. He proceeded to tell me he did. I smiled. He walked over and stood by us doing some stuff in the backround. We looked at him a bit after, and then left. That was great. He is the better looking out of the two guys that work there recently.
Anyways, I think I was going to write something meaningful, but my right shoulder hurts and I have a lot of homework. Back to writing a stupid essay. Great...just great. And then sleep, and all the good stuff before sleep.
Wednesday is approaching. Will I pass? That's a maybe.
Awoke feeling like I have not slept in ages. Got up, drank some some juice, put on a sad excuse for makeup and left. Got to school, went to class, had lunch while reading the stupid driver manual, sat with Jake before his class and then went to meet with Rafaella. We had a good time. It was short, but sweet. Met up at Stonestown (I swear I'm going to hate that place very soon, since it's a two minute walk from school and I find myself there too often.)
Her and I decided that if she doesn't move far for college, we will get a place together. That would be amazing. Living with my best friend. Someone who has known me for six years. Someone I feel comfortable with. And someone who I can be stupid with. I wish it would come true.
On one hand I want her to go Washington like she does for school. She is a hard worker and will do just fine there, but I also want her to stay. I pretty much told her today that if she moves our friendship will end, because we will not put in enough effort to stay in touch. (We barely hang out now and we live a bus ride away and our schools are like five minutes apart.) The good thing is that we both will be here for our birthdays in June. That might be our last grand time together. She on the other hand thinks we will be friends until we die. I also hope that she is right.
Speaking of going away, my other friend Sandra, who I have known for seven years is leaving on Saturday for Davis. Mariya planned a little sleepover for Friday so that we can have a rad time before Sandra goes. Sure, Davis is close. I mean I went to Davis to see AFI play and I'm sure I can go there again to visit a friend. I just know things won't be the same. When Marianna left a year ago, she would only call Mariya and I and ask for gossip. We did not have much to talk about. When we met up and went on Haight as always, our conversations were full of crap and we enjoyed spending time away from one another better...or so it seemed. But now I don't give a crap about her. After what she said to Mariya, she can go kiss my ass. Calls me up talking about the argument Mariya and her got into. Tells me to tell Mariya. I do. Mariya confronts her. Mariya's response is "Well I only told Bella because I know she has a big mouth and would tell you anyways". Fuck you. Go die. Stupid bitch.
Rafaella and I walked into Hot Topic for no reason at all. One of the guys working there started talking to me asking me if I walked in before. I did indeed. Tried on pants that I told him looked better on the hanger. He said sorry. I told him not to be, since he didn't make the pants. He proceeded to tell me he did. I smiled. He walked over and stood by us doing some stuff in the backround. We looked at him a bit after, and then left. That was great. He is the better looking out of the two guys that work there recently.
Anyways, I think I was going to write something meaningful, but my right shoulder hurts and I have a lot of homework. Back to writing a stupid essay. Great...just great. And then sleep, and all the good stuff before sleep.
Wednesday is approaching. Will I pass? That's a maybe.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Time To Waste
What a lazy-ass day.
Woke up at around 12:30. Ate. Did nothing. Ate some more and was about to clean my room, but was too lazy too. Now I sit here with the same mess surrounding me.
One thing I kinda don't like is talking openly about things. I go all out and say more than I would normally and then end up feeling weird after. I guess this happens to everyone. Weird.
Gretta is "depressed". According to her, she has a problem but doesn't know why she has it. I can't help her. I can't find a guy for her, nor do I want to take on that responsibility. I had enough of it on my own. Actually, I just kinda stopped looking. I think she should just wait for the right moment. She is 17 and her whole life is ahead of her. I was single for about...6 months and then turned 18 and got with some idiot. Not a great choice, but it proves my point. She wants my Vicodin, which I will not be giving her. I hate that she reminded me that I have it. Now I will probably take some when shit happens, even though I really don't get the point of it.
It's actually weird being in a somewhat serious relationship. After all those past idiots it's hard to believe that this one might actually be normal and not filled with a bunch of bullshit. It's weird, but deep down it's great. Will just take some getting used to.
Speaking of Gretta, she and I smoked on both Thursday and Friday. I have no idea why I let her light me again. The last time I smoked with her was when I bought her a pack on our way to Fuzz. We smoked on the way there, on the balcony and right outside. This time we sat in a parking lot, on the curb. Then on Friday, right on campus. After drinking our smoothies. We sat next to a guy who reminded me of Sid from The Sex Pistols. I thought he would hate us for all the smoke, because to me he totally came off as a straight edge kid. To my surprise he came over and asked to bum a cig. He didn't seem that cool anymore.
Gretta smokes in front of me all the time. After we left school, I turn to her as she lights again that she should stop. (This doesn't make me any better, but I don't go through a pack a day. I rarely do it anyways.) She told me to pretty much shut up and stop telling her to quit. I stopped. I also ended up giving her the Camels Arin and Ian gave me for my birthday. They were nasty as hell and I just couldn't take it anymore.
I remember standing on the staircase outside the back door of my crib and smoking them. I remember thinking how gross they were, but I kept doing it.
I hate the smell of cigarette smoke. I smelled like them the whole day, and at some points I was really annoyed.
Writing about this makes me want to do it again. I have no reason to though. I have no pain to kill, no time to just waste and no point in finding a way to relax.
I am doing quite well actually. Weird, there is nothing for me to really worry about lately. That is a bit odd, but I guess it's good.
Well, the bed looks truly amazing at this point in the night so I'm gonna go enjoy my sleep.
Woke up at around 12:30. Ate. Did nothing. Ate some more and was about to clean my room, but was too lazy too. Now I sit here with the same mess surrounding me.
One thing I kinda don't like is talking openly about things. I go all out and say more than I would normally and then end up feeling weird after. I guess this happens to everyone. Weird.
Gretta is "depressed". According to her, she has a problem but doesn't know why she has it. I can't help her. I can't find a guy for her, nor do I want to take on that responsibility. I had enough of it on my own. Actually, I just kinda stopped looking. I think she should just wait for the right moment. She is 17 and her whole life is ahead of her. I was single for about...6 months and then turned 18 and got with some idiot. Not a great choice, but it proves my point. She wants my Vicodin, which I will not be giving her. I hate that she reminded me that I have it. Now I will probably take some when shit happens, even though I really don't get the point of it.
It's actually weird being in a somewhat serious relationship. After all those past idiots it's hard to believe that this one might actually be normal and not filled with a bunch of bullshit. It's weird, but deep down it's great. Will just take some getting used to.
Speaking of Gretta, she and I smoked on both Thursday and Friday. I have no idea why I let her light me again. The last time I smoked with her was when I bought her a pack on our way to Fuzz. We smoked on the way there, on the balcony and right outside. This time we sat in a parking lot, on the curb. Then on Friday, right on campus. After drinking our smoothies. We sat next to a guy who reminded me of Sid from The Sex Pistols. I thought he would hate us for all the smoke, because to me he totally came off as a straight edge kid. To my surprise he came over and asked to bum a cig. He didn't seem that cool anymore.
Gretta smokes in front of me all the time. After we left school, I turn to her as she lights again that she should stop. (This doesn't make me any better, but I don't go through a pack a day. I rarely do it anyways.) She told me to pretty much shut up and stop telling her to quit. I stopped. I also ended up giving her the Camels Arin and Ian gave me for my birthday. They were nasty as hell and I just couldn't take it anymore.
I remember standing on the staircase outside the back door of my crib and smoking them. I remember thinking how gross they were, but I kept doing it.
I hate the smell of cigarette smoke. I smelled like them the whole day, and at some points I was really annoyed.
Writing about this makes me want to do it again. I have no reason to though. I have no pain to kill, no time to just waste and no point in finding a way to relax.
I am doing quite well actually. Weird, there is nothing for me to really worry about lately. That is a bit odd, but I guess it's good.
Well, the bed looks truly amazing at this point in the night so I'm gonna go enjoy my sleep.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
oooh!
Cancer: You're having trouble putting your feelings into words. Write things down, but don't get frustrated if it comes out wrong. It'll come to you eventually.
That might actually be the best and most true horoscope that Facebook has given me.
That might actually be the best and most true horoscope that Facebook has given me.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
I miss you.
I originally started this entry writing about how I have lost touch with a lot of friends from high school, even though it's only been three months since we have kept out of contact. Then I started thinking about it and decided that I shouldn't waste time trying to describe why we lost touch, but instead have the entry be about two of my very good friends who mean a lot to me.
One of those friends is Daisy (real name is Roman).
Him and I met freshman year of high school in Hebrew class. I sat right next to him and we barely talked. Then Yana started liking him. Actually, out of our group of girls, three of them had a major crush on Daisy. Yana and Sandra both swore to one another that they will stay friends no matter who he chooses to be with out of the two. Shannon wasn't involved in the deal, but she later admitted to liking him too. Mariya and I stayed away. I did not find him attractive at all and I don't think Mariya looked at him as anything more than a friend.
He ended up asking Yana out. He had no idea that both she and Sandra liked him. I remember Sandra crying that day in the bathroom, right after Mariya, Yana and I told her the news. Daisy and Yana did well. Seven months. But she was forever known as the prude and he was the one who didn't get any ass for seven months. Poor boy.
Of course after they broke up, I decided that I like him too. We became really close while Yana and him were going out. I remember telling him, and listening to the excuses he had made in order to not hurt my feelings. I thought that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him (God forbid) and spent sometime being really sad about the whole situation. But that passed, and we remained great friends.
He was always there for me. He helped me with everything I ever asked help for. He was there during my highs and my lows. Even though he had ways of getting me really angry and pissed off at him for hours, he also made me laugh and we shared great moments together.
I remember being in a record store one day and seeing a Green Day poster. I was low on cash, so I came home, got online and made up some BS about how I'm getting something for my mom and am low on cash. The next day he lent me some money. I went and got the poster. And I don't think I've ever payed him back.
He was the first person I called after my first time with Mac. I don't remember what mood I was in, but it wasn't a very pleasant one. He stayed on the phone with me while I talked to him about what was going through my head. The yelling came later. The next day as we walked to the bus from work, he let me have it. Told me how it was...stupid. I agreed in my head, but didn't say anything back. He made a few jokes about it later on, but deep inside I think he understood that it wasn't exactly funny to me and eventually he stopped. I remember making a "yo mama" joke back in freshman year, only then to realize what I had done wrong. I then understood that him being so tough and independent came from the fact that his mom passed away when hew as seven. I always looked up to him no matter what.
Other things he did for me:
-Let me use lay on him the whole time in the court yard during Winter Formal freshman year. (That's before he asked Yana out, so she hated me for this back then).
-Went with me 2 years in a row to help me find a cell phone that I liked. (It wasn't easy, but we got through it).
-Rides to school senior year whenever I needed them. And rides back as well. And also just rides anywhere we went together. Anytime, anywhere.
-Warned me about most of the things I was doing. Shared his views (even when I didn't ask for them) and ended up getting me on the right path.
-Almost killed me when he saw the lines on my arm. Firmly grabbed me by the hands and told me that it was wrong and that it will not solve anything. I was mad because he got in my business, but at the same time I thought it was nice that he cared. I wonder if he did/said the same thing to Gretta.
-Let me sleep on him when the bus rides from field trips got really long and boring.
-Spent a shitload of time on the phone with me. One conversation of ours went deep into the night and was eight hours long. EIGHT fucking hours. We talked almost every night sophomore year. We knew each other really well and had a lot to talk about, even if we didn't always see eye to eye.
Daisy was just always a very generous person. There is nothing he would not have done for me.
Senior year things began to change a bit. He and I grew apart. Rarely spoke on the phone, and saw each other less and less. I always knew we were still friends, but the vibe between us wasn't the same. We would have still done anything for one another, but sometimes those feelings were buried too far down to show.
At the same time, it was him who took care of me when I was completely wasted. Him who got me home on time. Him who no matter how mean he was being, never wished me anything bad. That's why Disneyland was so amazing. Him and I spent a lot of time together and it was like nothing was wrong. I felt like we were freshman again.
Now he has become distant. I don't tell him a lot of things, simply because I don't think he will understand anymore. The last news that I informed him about had him freaking out and telling me I was stupid. I begged to differ. Not like he is the one to talk anyways. But despite the fact that we have had our differences lately, he still finds time to text me and check up on me online. He tells me to call him (he knows how much that annoys me, because he can just pick up the phone and call me).
The fact that he has moved to San Diego for college is really sad. I remember hugging him for the last time, three days before I got sick. I walked a block from his car thinking about how much I will miss him. I told him I would visit him a lot. I still have yet to. I get sad when I get his texts telling me that he was so bored that he wrote "meow" on the desks where he sits. I just want to see him again.
The other person I am talking about is Gal.
The first memory I have of Gal is middle of freshman year when he asked me out.
Seems he was feeling lonely and decided to ask out a bunch of us freshman girls out. I even considered it for a minute. Gross.
He never got a girlfriend that way, so he made up some girl from Chicago. That didn't last long, because she died off after about 2 months of him talking about her. He always had long hair for some reason.Then I just know Yana was mad at him for something, and they did not talk the whole year. Him and I were not close at all.
Sophomore year brought us closer. I don't know how...but we began to talk more and hung out a couple of times. Probably because of Shannon. She was his friend and went out with Mac before me, so when it was my turn Gal already knew Mac so I guess he decided to be my friend to see how it would turn out between Mac and I.
The first time I saw for myself that Gal was an amazing friend was when he stayed on the phone with me after another evening I had spent with Mac. Gal was the one who called the hotline for me and made me ask if there was a way I could have been pregnant. He then proceeded to make an appointment for me so I could go and get a checkup. He even told me he would go with me. He was there for my abortion (OK...THE LAST PART DID NOT HAPPEN! IM KIDDING. CALM DOWN PEOPLE!!!). Turns out the appointment was not needed. I had gotten my period a couple of days later.
Through all four years of high school, I found Gal to be greedy. He did not like to share anything! Everytime he had food, he would never give it tome when I asked. I have always hated this about him. But he was always willing to help me. Loved to gossip. Took long walks with me and discussed everything and anything. Game me guy advice and soon began to like my type of music. Senior year was the best. We were super close. He knew about my obsession with Scott. He went with me to lots of shows and was always down for anything I wanted to do. He was there sophomore year when we hung out and Mac had his bi-polar moment. He was the one telling me that he doesn't see us together and I guess he was right since it didn't work out.
He let me crash at his house anytime I needed to. He even got me a free ticket to Projekt Revolution this year.
I have had many entertaining times with him, and now that he is also moving away, to Chicago I feel completely alone. I have my girl friends like Rafaella who I would die without and Mariya, who I can talk to about absolutely anything. Gal was the same. We walked to The Lovemaker's in-store appearance in Berkeley while he was talking about guys getting hard so loud that everyone around us turned their heads. Actually, I hated his volume. I would whisper something in his ear and he would go out screaming it as a question a second later. I would always have to take him aside and warn him to keep quiet. I can't wait to visit him in Chicago. I promised him and myself that I will. He leaves tonight at 10. Oh shit...he already left. He is probably already on the plane. NOOOO! come back
I'm just going to miss these two amazing guys who I have known for a while now. It will be hard to keep in touch, but I hope that I can do it.
That's us freshman year.
Matt Beezy is on the left. Mac is next to him. Daisy is next, making the face slouching down. Mariya is next to him along with Sandra. Gal is in the backround in the orange along with Luis in yellow. And me...well I'm there too. We were tiny!!!
"You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them up
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew?"
One of those friends is Daisy (real name is Roman).
Him and I met freshman year of high school in Hebrew class. I sat right next to him and we barely talked. Then Yana started liking him. Actually, out of our group of girls, three of them had a major crush on Daisy. Yana and Sandra both swore to one another that they will stay friends no matter who he chooses to be with out of the two. Shannon wasn't involved in the deal, but she later admitted to liking him too. Mariya and I stayed away. I did not find him attractive at all and I don't think Mariya looked at him as anything more than a friend.
He ended up asking Yana out. He had no idea that both she and Sandra liked him. I remember Sandra crying that day in the bathroom, right after Mariya, Yana and I told her the news. Daisy and Yana did well. Seven months. But she was forever known as the prude and he was the one who didn't get any ass for seven months. Poor boy.
Of course after they broke up, I decided that I like him too. We became really close while Yana and him were going out. I remember telling him, and listening to the excuses he had made in order to not hurt my feelings. I thought that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him (God forbid) and spent sometime being really sad about the whole situation. But that passed, and we remained great friends.
He was always there for me. He helped me with everything I ever asked help for. He was there during my highs and my lows. Even though he had ways of getting me really angry and pissed off at him for hours, he also made me laugh and we shared great moments together.
I remember being in a record store one day and seeing a Green Day poster. I was low on cash, so I came home, got online and made up some BS about how I'm getting something for my mom and am low on cash. The next day he lent me some money. I went and got the poster. And I don't think I've ever payed him back.
He was the first person I called after my first time with Mac. I don't remember what mood I was in, but it wasn't a very pleasant one. He stayed on the phone with me while I talked to him about what was going through my head. The yelling came later. The next day as we walked to the bus from work, he let me have it. Told me how it was...stupid. I agreed in my head, but didn't say anything back. He made a few jokes about it later on, but deep inside I think he understood that it wasn't exactly funny to me and eventually he stopped. I remember making a "yo mama" joke back in freshman year, only then to realize what I had done wrong. I then understood that him being so tough and independent came from the fact that his mom passed away when hew as seven. I always looked up to him no matter what.
Other things he did for me:
-Let me use lay on him the whole time in the court yard during Winter Formal freshman year. (That's before he asked Yana out, so she hated me for this back then).
-Went with me 2 years in a row to help me find a cell phone that I liked. (It wasn't easy, but we got through it).
-Rides to school senior year whenever I needed them. And rides back as well. And also just rides anywhere we went together. Anytime, anywhere.
-Warned me about most of the things I was doing. Shared his views (even when I didn't ask for them) and ended up getting me on the right path.
-Almost killed me when he saw the lines on my arm. Firmly grabbed me by the hands and told me that it was wrong and that it will not solve anything. I was mad because he got in my business, but at the same time I thought it was nice that he cared. I wonder if he did/said the same thing to Gretta.
-Let me sleep on him when the bus rides from field trips got really long and boring.
-Spent a shitload of time on the phone with me. One conversation of ours went deep into the night and was eight hours long. EIGHT fucking hours. We talked almost every night sophomore year. We knew each other really well and had a lot to talk about, even if we didn't always see eye to eye.
Daisy was just always a very generous person. There is nothing he would not have done for me.
Senior year things began to change a bit. He and I grew apart. Rarely spoke on the phone, and saw each other less and less. I always knew we were still friends, but the vibe between us wasn't the same. We would have still done anything for one another, but sometimes those feelings were buried too far down to show.
At the same time, it was him who took care of me when I was completely wasted. Him who got me home on time. Him who no matter how mean he was being, never wished me anything bad. That's why Disneyland was so amazing. Him and I spent a lot of time together and it was like nothing was wrong. I felt like we were freshman again.
Now he has become distant. I don't tell him a lot of things, simply because I don't think he will understand anymore. The last news that I informed him about had him freaking out and telling me I was stupid. I begged to differ. Not like he is the one to talk anyways. But despite the fact that we have had our differences lately, he still finds time to text me and check up on me online. He tells me to call him (he knows how much that annoys me, because he can just pick up the phone and call me).
The fact that he has moved to San Diego for college is really sad. I remember hugging him for the last time, three days before I got sick. I walked a block from his car thinking about how much I will miss him. I told him I would visit him a lot. I still have yet to. I get sad when I get his texts telling me that he was so bored that he wrote "meow" on the desks where he sits. I just want to see him again.
The other person I am talking about is Gal.
The first memory I have of Gal is middle of freshman year when he asked me out.
Seems he was feeling lonely and decided to ask out a bunch of us freshman girls out. I even considered it for a minute. Gross.
He never got a girlfriend that way, so he made up some girl from Chicago. That didn't last long, because she died off after about 2 months of him talking about her. He always had long hair for some reason.Then I just know Yana was mad at him for something, and they did not talk the whole year. Him and I were not close at all.
Sophomore year brought us closer. I don't know how...but we began to talk more and hung out a couple of times. Probably because of Shannon. She was his friend and went out with Mac before me, so when it was my turn Gal already knew Mac so I guess he decided to be my friend to see how it would turn out between Mac and I.
The first time I saw for myself that Gal was an amazing friend was when he stayed on the phone with me after another evening I had spent with Mac. Gal was the one who called the hotline for me and made me ask if there was a way I could have been pregnant. He then proceeded to make an appointment for me so I could go and get a checkup. He even told me he would go with me. He was there for my abortion (OK...THE LAST PART DID NOT HAPPEN! IM KIDDING. CALM DOWN PEOPLE!!!). Turns out the appointment was not needed. I had gotten my period a couple of days later.
Through all four years of high school, I found Gal to be greedy. He did not like to share anything! Everytime he had food, he would never give it tome when I asked. I have always hated this about him. But he was always willing to help me. Loved to gossip. Took long walks with me and discussed everything and anything. Game me guy advice and soon began to like my type of music. Senior year was the best. We were super close. He knew about my obsession with Scott. He went with me to lots of shows and was always down for anything I wanted to do. He was there sophomore year when we hung out and Mac had his bi-polar moment. He was the one telling me that he doesn't see us together and I guess he was right since it didn't work out.
He let me crash at his house anytime I needed to. He even got me a free ticket to Projekt Revolution this year.
I have had many entertaining times with him, and now that he is also moving away, to Chicago I feel completely alone. I have my girl friends like Rafaella who I would die without and Mariya, who I can talk to about absolutely anything. Gal was the same. We walked to The Lovemaker's in-store appearance in Berkeley while he was talking about guys getting hard so loud that everyone around us turned their heads. Actually, I hated his volume. I would whisper something in his ear and he would go out screaming it as a question a second later. I would always have to take him aside and warn him to keep quiet. I can't wait to visit him in Chicago. I promised him and myself that I will. He leaves tonight at 10. Oh shit...he already left. He is probably already on the plane. NOOOO! come back
I'm just going to miss these two amazing guys who I have known for a while now. It will be hard to keep in touch, but I hope that I can do it.
That's us freshman year.
Matt Beezy is on the left. Mac is next to him. Daisy is next, making the face slouching down. Mariya is next to him along with Sandra. Gal is in the backround in the orange along with Luis in yellow. And me...well I'm there too. We were tiny!!!
"You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them up
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew?"
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
The morning started off with a very weird mood.
I was upset by god knows what! I know what it was actually. Once again, this is me questioning and trying to create something which should not be created. I am once again in doubt and am worried that it all might come tumbling down right before my eyes. I can't let this happen. I simply cannot stand to think that something like this would even have a chance of happening at this point. I am driving everyone away once again. I like to think that something will go wrong. I will be shattered into a million pieces if they do, but for some reason I am leading up to this happening. I guess it's just that time again. If anything does happen...I won't really be able to stand it. I'm too attached at this point for it to not leave me with emotional damage. (Like sophomore year, that fucked me up really well). I had these feelings with many other guys before. Every single one of them actually. There came a point when I questioned and assumed and drove them away. Then I decided I miss them like crazy and found a way to get a second chance. Well, that was years ago. High School drama is left behind and it's time to somewhat get serious.
Why can't just accept it for what it is and enjoy it without constantly worrying that something might go wrong? If someone doesn't like something about their partner, they don't stick around for long in the first place. I understand these things, and I really am trying to accept that NOTHING is wrong. I create these issues. That's one of my biggest character flaws. I need to end this NOW. I can't allow myself to go back to those old ways. I've worked too hard to get this far.
The new cafe opened at school today. Relatively short line which wasn't so bad. Got a smoothie and a wrap. It was good. Came home and ate 2 Chewy bars (which were not needed). I feel somewhat better today, but am still upset and mad at myself that I can't do anything about my problem. If I really wanted to, I could be happy with myself just by doing physical activities, but I just can't make myself. I need to and I want to, but I don't think I'll ever reach my goal.
I was upset by god knows what! I know what it was actually. Once again, this is me questioning and trying to create something which should not be created. I am once again in doubt and am worried that it all might come tumbling down right before my eyes. I can't let this happen. I simply cannot stand to think that something like this would even have a chance of happening at this point. I am driving everyone away once again. I like to think that something will go wrong. I will be shattered into a million pieces if they do, but for some reason I am leading up to this happening. I guess it's just that time again. If anything does happen...I won't really be able to stand it. I'm too attached at this point for it to not leave me with emotional damage. (Like sophomore year, that fucked me up really well). I had these feelings with many other guys before. Every single one of them actually. There came a point when I questioned and assumed and drove them away. Then I decided I miss them like crazy and found a way to get a second chance. Well, that was years ago. High School drama is left behind and it's time to somewhat get serious.
Why can't just accept it for what it is and enjoy it without constantly worrying that something might go wrong? If someone doesn't like something about their partner, they don't stick around for long in the first place. I understand these things, and I really am trying to accept that NOTHING is wrong. I create these issues. That's one of my biggest character flaws. I need to end this NOW. I can't allow myself to go back to those old ways. I've worked too hard to get this far.
The new cafe opened at school today. Relatively short line which wasn't so bad. Got a smoothie and a wrap. It was good. Came home and ate 2 Chewy bars (which were not needed). I feel somewhat better today, but am still upset and mad at myself that I can't do anything about my problem. If I really wanted to, I could be happy with myself just by doing physical activities, but I just can't make myself. I need to and I want to, but I don't think I'll ever reach my goal.
I have not stopped eating! Ever since the last post...!
I ate until the very end. Crackers, candy, cookies, bread, cheese. You name it. Oh did I mention almonds and chewy bars!?
Damnit...I have a serious problem!!
That's it. No breakfast or lunch tomorrow.
This has to stop.
And I've been a lazy ass and am almost done with my draft essay, at fucking 12:45am.
I'm just...great.
I ate until the very end. Crackers, candy, cookies, bread, cheese. You name it. Oh did I mention almonds and chewy bars!?
Damnit...I have a serious problem!!
That's it. No breakfast or lunch tomorrow.
This has to stop.
And I've been a lazy ass and am almost done with my draft essay, at fucking 12:45am.
I'm just...great.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Eat your heart out.
The one piece of evidence I need to know that something is wrong is when I eat nonstop. That is exactly what is happening. For the past two days I have been eating and eating and eating. I walk around trying to find something to stick down my throat because I feel really empty. Currently I am chewing gum, that should make me feel better right?
I swear, I don't know how people starve themselves. The worst feeling in the world is when you feel hungry. I hate that feeling, and when something is wrong the feeling is stronger than ever.
The stupid part is that nothing is really wrong. I guess I'm doing it to waste time. Have been home for 4 hours now, and have not done a single thing except eat! What a waste of time.
On the bus today I saw next to some guy reading a book for one of his classes. At one point his shoulder was heavily touching mine, and he even ended up pressing his whole arm into me. I must say it felt really nice. I felt as if we were family. I swear it felt like I knew him for at least half my life. Then it was my stop and I got up to go. I didn't bother to look back at his sunglasses wearing self...but he did take the time to look at mine. It was interesting.
The guy who gave me a glance my first day, who I sat next to that time was sitting in front of me today. Of all the seats in the class, he just had to sit in front of ME. Great. So his head was covering most of what I wanted to see ahead, but his pants were amazing. As we were leaving he turned his head and gave me another glance. I wanted to compliment him on his pants, but resisted. Then I walked in front of him and disappeared into a crowd of people ahead. Speaking of crowds, guess everyone loves Mondays! It was so crowded in the morning.
Got soup for lunch. It was weird...I have no idea how I decided upon it, but guess it doesn't matter since I later stuffed myself with other unhealthy fatning things. I swear I will never lose weight like this! And don't even begin to tell me that I don't need to. Trust me...I am so over people telling me this. I know what I want and I know what I need, so leave me to it.
Well I have an hour before The Hills start (yes I watch it..lame huh?). And I shall go and try to get some homework done. Yeah...like that will happen.
Oh and next Wednesday is my permit test. Nervous? No. Excited? Somewhat.
Ciao.
I swear, I don't know how people starve themselves. The worst feeling in the world is when you feel hungry. I hate that feeling, and when something is wrong the feeling is stronger than ever.
The stupid part is that nothing is really wrong. I guess I'm doing it to waste time. Have been home for 4 hours now, and have not done a single thing except eat! What a waste of time.
On the bus today I saw next to some guy reading a book for one of his classes. At one point his shoulder was heavily touching mine, and he even ended up pressing his whole arm into me. I must say it felt really nice. I felt as if we were family. I swear it felt like I knew him for at least half my life. Then it was my stop and I got up to go. I didn't bother to look back at his sunglasses wearing self...but he did take the time to look at mine. It was interesting.
The guy who gave me a glance my first day, who I sat next to that time was sitting in front of me today. Of all the seats in the class, he just had to sit in front of ME. Great. So his head was covering most of what I wanted to see ahead, but his pants were amazing. As we were leaving he turned his head and gave me another glance. I wanted to compliment him on his pants, but resisted. Then I walked in front of him and disappeared into a crowd of people ahead. Speaking of crowds, guess everyone loves Mondays! It was so crowded in the morning.
Got soup for lunch. It was weird...I have no idea how I decided upon it, but guess it doesn't matter since I later stuffed myself with other unhealthy fatning things. I swear I will never lose weight like this! And don't even begin to tell me that I don't need to. Trust me...I am so over people telling me this. I know what I want and I know what I need, so leave me to it.
Well I have an hour before The Hills start (yes I watch it..lame huh?). And I shall go and try to get some homework done. Yeah...like that will happen.
Oh and next Wednesday is my permit test. Nervous? No. Excited? Somewhat.
Ciao.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Back again...
What? Am I really back to writing again? This can't be happening. I can't be doing this again...yet I am. So I just need to shut up about how surprising it is and just say what I have to say.
What do I have to say? I had a good topic in mind on the way to school...but forgot it now.
Oh yes, school...not bad, not bad at all.
I totally remembered what I wanted to write about, but it will have to be in a new entry later since it's a whole new topic.
So anyways, school is good and once again I am being lazy as hell and not doing anything. It's only 9pm...and I have to read like 3 pages of this book on Critical Thinking. This might be good for me actually. The book talks about how people make choices and all that...something I'm not amazingly good at. We shall see.
I won't let this thing get out of control though. No crazy writing about how someone I talked to...or did not talk to is driving me crazy, cause that doesn't happen anymore.
So yes, back to writing, but better much more improved style of it.
Should be fun.
What do I have to say? I had a good topic in mind on the way to school...but forgot it now.
Oh yes, school...not bad, not bad at all.
I totally remembered what I wanted to write about, but it will have to be in a new entry later since it's a whole new topic.
So anyways, school is good and once again I am being lazy as hell and not doing anything. It's only 9pm...and I have to read like 3 pages of this book on Critical Thinking. This might be good for me actually. The book talks about how people make choices and all that...something I'm not amazingly good at. We shall see.
I won't let this thing get out of control though. No crazy writing about how someone I talked to...or did not talk to is driving me crazy, cause that doesn't happen anymore.
So yes, back to writing, but better much more improved style of it.
Should be fun.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
