to tell the truth...

The roller coaster ride isn't over. And no, I'm not saying that with sarcasm of any kind. It's just a simple statement that honestly evaluates the situation. In all reality, I know what I want. I fully know what I want, especially during the times when I get what I don't want. It becomes completely impossible for me to interact with certain people. Side note : funny how "the person I'm with" is suddenly categorized as "certain people". Anyways, I find that there are times when I gt so disgusted that the last thing I want is to be in a relationship with someone who makes me feel these things. I just want something that is my own. Someone who I share experiences with that are only exclusive to them and I, not anyone else. It just sucks to know that no matter what we do, it's been done already by him and other people. I can't get over it. I want something that is my own. Without that, I feel like we are never gonna get anywhere. By "we" I mean us, because clearly I'm the only one that feels this way. According to him, everything is fine and the only time he remembers and likes is wen he's doing all those things with me. Ok, good for you, but I don't feel that way. I feel like that's gonna come in between myself and whatever it is waiting for me out there with this person. There's not even much I can do to stop it, nor do I know if I want it to stop. I'm completely torn. I could go either way. I don't even know if it's up to me to decide anymore, since I clearly seem to be confused.

Happy 21 months.

"Somewhere beyond happiness and sadness
I need to calculate what creates my own madness
And I'm addicted to your punishment
And you’re the master and I am craving this disaster

....but the reality is I'm getting away with murder."

it's begun

Couple things...

IT'S FREAKING HOT IN HERE. Damn, the weather just skyrocketed to like a bazzilion degrees. I'm too old to handle this. haha

Things are AMAZING. I can't say it enough. I'm SO HAPPY with myself and the person I'm with and everything that is going on now. Finally things are as good as they always should be.

On that note, I told that bitch off. Told her exactly what I think about her in a nice cool collective manner and she sent me some made up reply that sounds just as fake as she is. Best thing now is to keep ignoring her, but if she calls again I'm not gnna be so nice. Get a fucking clue!

So yes, that is how things are. Did I mention I'm happy? Yeah, I AM happy.

movin along...

This weekend was good. Ryan's parents came to9 visit and we spent the whole time with them. I was really nice to Ryan the whole weekend, but kinda started snapping by the end. I mean, there's only so much niceness in me ;)
Tuesday is his birthday and I'm happy it's gonna be over with because I'm officially BROKE from buying him too much stuff. haha.

Ugh, this means SHE will call. Hopefully she'll forget he's alive and NOT call. Hey, Bella can only dream, right?!

I will battle for the sun...

...and I won’t stop until I’m done...

Finally it has happened. It happened, and feels freaking amazing. Seriously, if anybody gets in my way I'm not gonna be happy. I finally feel like everything is fine and PERFECT. Things are NEVER perfect with me, but somehow THIS is. And no one is gonna fuck it up. Sure, we have our tiffs and I'm still very emotional and always feel attacked (that's just how I operate around people who's opinion I deeply care about) but at the end of the day, at the end of that argument, 2 seconds later...everything is fine. Everything is completely fine. I'm completely 100% confident and happy and excited and just ready to scream about it so everyone knows. Before I was scared to soak in the feeling with fear that it might disappear into thin air, but now I'm totally confident it's not going anywhere. I finally feel like I found someone who is 10000% there for me and I'm the same for him. I'm really excited to see where we will go together and everything that's ahead. All those other girls, the past and any future ones that may arise can go suck a fat one. Like I said, NOTHING will ruin this for me, and for us.

With all that said, I have a math test to study for. :(
After that sleep!
I feel alone in my bed.

But I'm all :):):):):)

so let me go

I feel like I just don't know who I'm with anymore.


- I don’t wanna dream about
All the things that never were
Maybe I can live without
When I’m out from under
I don’t wanna feel the pain
What good would it do me now
I’ll get it all figured out
When I’m out from under -

It’s in the water baby, it’s in the pills that bring you down

Sometimes I wish I could be someone else. Just so that I could say the weird thoughts that pile up in my head out loud and not be looked at like I'm clinically insane. Seriously, no one except a couple of girls understand the things I bring up and that's also because they think pretty much the same way. Now, this proves that I'm not whack because I'm not the only one with a brain that overflows with concepts which would make people raise an eyebrow. Until a couple of more people start to understand me and not just push aside the things I have to say, we might continue experiencing a tiny dilemma. It seems like each time I bring something up it's always odd to talk about and we never finish, simply brushing it off under the rug and walking all over it like it never even happened in the first place. That sets an unsatisfactory feel in my mind and that is why stuff comes up again. It is never finished with and that's annoying when I come to think of it. Again, not a big issue but hey, it could be better.

As always, I'm on a massive job hunt and it's not going too well. Surprise, surprise...with this shitty economy.

Ugh, one day at a time, riiiight?

the beat goes on...

Well V-day weekend was really nice. It was really good to get away and just be together. It was too short though. Boo.

So as of now I'm still trying to adjust. Haven't I had enough time already? Yeah, seriously...I know I know.
It's just taking me a while to fully accept this person I'm with for what they have done in the past, even if it has nothing to do with me. Maybe that's the problem, maybe I'm just jealous that it wasn't with me...even though we were nowhere in each others lives at that point.

One day at a time...

iono

there aren't supposed to be anymore insecurities. at all. never ever ever ever.


so why are they still here?

if you wanna give me what I want....listen

Being sick really sucks sometimes. But that's besides the point.

Not to sound all mushy, but next week ...exactly in a week actually is gonna mark 18 months since Ryan and I have been together. Wow, a year and a half. That's longer than I've been with anyone in my whole life. Ha, 3 months seemed like a shitload to me back in sophomore year. Funny thing is, I'm still getting used to being with him. I remember back to when I kept waking up each day thinking he would break up with me that night when I would see him, but he never did. He established himself as the nice one from the beginning. I expected bad things from him because of the way I was treated before, it was nothing personal towards him or his character. I guess I just felt like I needed to be treated bad, because that's all I've known until then. I used to think Ryan messed up big time for getting with me, that I didn't deserve what he was doing for me and he certainly didn't deserve to be with someone like me who's indecisive and kinda stuck in the middle of everything. That's why I was so hurt when I found out about that stupid bitch. I finally accepted that things were okay and that I would finally be happy. And one day I step into this whole world which shatters everything I acquired into pieces. I can say I haven't been as happy as I was before that incident ever again. She just won't go away. I hate her. This hate has gone from being on the surface to deep, instilled hate that comes back up everytime she calls. I'm not gnna hold a grudge against her forever, but that doesn't mean I want her to be in my life. There is really nothing more to say on that topic.

I've gone so far with this. I have changed myself for the better in so many ways. I found someone to trust and rely on and that's something I've never had before. Every little thing we argue over doesn't even come close to making me feel the things I've felt before when I was unsure of things. Right now it's like..."you're pissing me off so I'mma go for now..." and then back to wanting to see him and talk to him the next day. There is no doubt in my mind that I wanna be with him, and I know he feels the same.

Back to talking about 18 months...I want to do something really nice, like go somewhere for a couple of days or something. I have a 4 day weekend since there's no school Friday or Monday of that weekend and Ryan is off work Monday so that means we have 3 days together. I offered to go to Konocti even though I know he's been there with an ex before. I'm trying something new, putting aside the fact that he's been or done certain things with other girlfriend's and trying to do them with him too. I mean...he totally hasn't experienced anything until he does it with me! So I decided to stop letting these ex bitches ruin MY life and what I wanna do and told my thoughts to cool down and that it's all in my head and just go for it. So no word on Konocti yet, and knowing us we are slow to decide and mak plans...so I don't know.
Hopefully we can get away...I really want to go somewhere to get away from here. I mean I love it and all, but I really want to spend some alone time together and somewhere else.

Aaaand I got him the best present ever ;) Can't say what it is yet but it's amazing.

On that note, I'm still sick...so I'm gonna go try and get better. Oh yes! and get ready for my Stats test tomorrow UGH!

P.S I actually called Ryan by name this time! Maybe I'll make that a constant from now on :)

what new friends will the day bring?

I love talking to his friends. I love that his friends are so easy to get along with. I don't even know a lot of them, only through Facebook and whatnot, but there's something about them that I love. Maybe it's the fact that they agree with me about that little piece of shit that is frolicking around and messing up everything I've got. This proves that the dude I'm with is completely clueless and blind. I wish someone would talk to him and make him see what I and everyone else sees. Seriously, ALL his friends that I've talked to from college hate her. So I'm fully justified in my pissyness and annoyance. Can't wait to see how this unfolds.

Just talked to John, his really good friend from SLO. (hence why I'm talking about friends) and he's coming here this Saturday to see a show with us. Judging from our FB conversation him and I will get along great. I like that all his friends like me. This way he's gonna look like an idiot if he fucks up. Perfect.

And yes, I still hope she falls off the planet.

you make me better

All is good in Bella land once again it seems. :)
And Bella is happy once again it seems.
And nothing like that will ever....try to happen again. And that I don't see, that I know. =D

a quick death

Got myself into a new mess.
Our fight was very long and serious (I think we ignored the main issue and focused on something else instead...hmm) and didn't really solve anything except the obvious. I have to be less jealous and more trusting. That lead it to me promising I wouldn't log into accounts that are not mine. As much as it might sound creepy, that's kinda...the air I breathe...or at least some of it. Not that I want to find something bad, but it's more like I feel better when I do and see there was nothing to worry about. Now that's taken away from me.

I hate that the communication between us is so...stiff. I feel wrong and bad for wanting to bring up certain things, whether they bother me or not and totally feel like I'm not allowed. I don't know if I can deal, I don't do well on lock downs.

Scared to think about what would happen if I actually didn't come back after walking out, therefore I avoid those thoughts. Things like that make me feel like I'm dying. I get all tense and breathe hard and heavy and it honestly feels like my heart is gonna explode. There were no tears this time, just anger and disbelief. Was all this worth it? We shall see...

grr

I honestly don't think I'm a freak for spending time on trying to make myself look good. I personally think it's ridiculous that some of those people have NEVER had a wax in their life and don't do their hair or wear any makeup or anything of that sort. I mean c'mon. Your appearance says a lot about you!
And he makes fun of me because I actually put time into looking nice? Ok I'll look like a bum once and we'll see what he says.

Ugh, sometimes I think I'm too much for this person. Maybe I should just let him get back to being with ugly and annoying stupid people who do nothing with their lives, since that's all he's ever known anyways.

stain red

You know when you get that feeling that you're doing something wrong and everything seems to be going down the drain? Shitty feeling, BUT I haven't felt it in a while. That's scary, but also amazing.
I realized (well not like I had no clue before) that I'm a very jealous person, both of the past and the present. That's just how I am and I don't think that's ever gonna change. Take it or leave it. It's hard to deal with my weird thoughts and everything that pops into my head like my new semi-red hair looking like whatsherfaces dumb bitch's myspace profile pic. Who else would think of that but me!? But ahhh my hair looks like hers did. Shoot me now. Whatever, she looked bad with it anyways.

I dont wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest,
Or the girl who never wants to be alone.
I dont wanna be that call at 4 o'clock in the morning,
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home.

Ah-ah-ah, the sun is blinding.
Ah-ah, I stayed up again.
Oh-oh-oh, what a finding.
That's not the way I want my story to end...

self medication

I remember being one of those people who would write in their journal everyday. I still have my old Xanga links and all. And sometimes after some of my friends abandoned theirs, I still went back and read over their entries and all the comments. I guess that's the cool part about journaling, everything stays there even when the people change and everything around is different. Because eventually exact feelings and thoughts become lost in time, but there's always what you have written to look back on. I don't have much to say about the matter than I just wrote, so I'll stop there.

On a different note, it's come to my attention that we have several problems to work out. I hate using the term "problems" so I'll replace that with "cracks" or "things"
to work on. And sometimes I feel like this isn't good enough for me and that I want something else, like I'm worth a lot more than what I'm getting back from this. And other times I feel like I'm not good enough. And then I keep wondering and assuming and stating and it never ever ever gets me anywhere. I hope this feeling or whatever it is that's bothering me passes and everything turns out fine because this is the one thing I worry about most than anything else that I've ever worried about and it's such an annoying piece of shit having all these feeling and they just need to GO AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY.

Ok, I'm fine :)

you just can't stop me

It's that time of the month again when I go and stick my nose into places it shouldn't be in. It didn't take that long to figure out the log-in details and I could have sworn I tried the one that worked a million times before. I haven't been to that web page in a while though, maybe about a month or so. I've been doing good. Really, I have. I think it affected me less this time. I didn't really feel anything when I read over all the crap I told myself I would never look at. This is too easy. If I want this shit to stop bothering me I need to stop reading it. OR I should just keep reading it until eventually it means nothing anymore. That sounds like a plan. I'll spend all my time reading over what has happened and have no time at all for my current life. Really, there is nothing I would rather be doing than glossing over written confessions of love for other girls. Seriously, fuck them. I got the floor now and I'm gonna use my time wisely and then everything will be okay. Gee how happy I do sound. Let's just hope I can stick to it...since we all know I have issues doing that. Back to H.W. woo

I'm still breathing...

I was absolutely fine until about 3 minutes ago. It's times like these when I have lots of things to do but I only end up sitting in front of the computer looking at things I should not be looking at. I've been doing better though. I don't get myself into looking at things I wasn't involved in at the time of occurrence and that stops me from making assumptions and guesses about what happened. But the facts till remains that I know enough to make me sad. It shouldn't matter but it still gets me down. I guess I am the type of person who lives in the past? I don't want to be this person I describe, but it's not something that's easy to get away from. Ugghhh so frustrating. It's weird, sometimes I feel like EVERYTHING is perfect and nothing can get in the way and sometimes there are times when I get really sad and think "oh well, it's just not gonna work out" and it's so hard to control. I must admit I do like that amazing feeling where I think that everything is good, because at the time...it really is.

This means I just have to keep myself busy. And try really hard not to TRY and find things and try and NOT be sad and TRY to understand and accept and let go, or not give a shit because it really doesn't matter. What matters is NOW. What matters is ME and US and everything we have built up to.

aaahhh let's see if I stick to my statements...

from the sky I pulled you down tonight....

All seems to be going well. I feel weird saying that, because everytime I do make this kind of a statement, it ends up pinching me in the ass...hard. Maybe I'm being a bit pessimistic here? I don't think so. Honestly, each time I admit to being happy, shit fucks up right then and there. I'm scared for what is coming...if that is the case.

She called on Friday and he told me because I asked. He said he was gonna erase it from his call log and not tell me because it's no big deal. It makes me sad that he would consider something like that. She left a voicemail and we listened to it together. In her whiny stupid voice she rambled on about how she wants to catch up and how it's been sooooo long so he should call her back. He promised he wouldn't and for some reason I believe him. Lately I haven't been dwelling on things that he has done to upset me. Nothing seems to stick, and maybe that's because there are no major issues to think about. For now all is good, but as I said in my above paragraph, this cannot last forever.

There are times when I get this crazy feeling that I've found everything I've ever wanted in this person. I can't even look at him because I find myself going insane from all the feelings rushing though my mind. Sometimes it's too much to handle, but that's a good thing ;)

Night life the high life she just wants a good life

The past week was the most annoying week I think we have ever had. There wasn't a day when we wouldn't snap at one another for any and every little thing possible. We avoided getting into fights and me being mad and hanging up and telling off and singing off and sad faces and the usual him not thinking of MY feelings. That's the last thing we needed and we did a good job avoiding it. How? I'm still not sure, just thank God it turned out this way.

If anything, I think we reached the moment where it's like...is this really what we want? This is us at our worst annoying moments and our stubborn little selves wanting to make things better. It's been hard for me to realize how hard I have to work (literally) to be able to live together and do what we want to do. That was like a real wake up call. I mean I knew this before. I wouldn't allow myself to live with him without having a job, but this all just made me realize I have a long way to go. I know it's hard for him too and he's the one waiting for me. I feel like I've kinda lost control of things and for once I'm the one to blame for whatever is not happening in our relationship. I really need to step up. It's hard to realize that he's pretty much just waiting out for me to grow up and see what I truly want. And I know that he's still scared I'll wake up one day and change my mind about being with him and turn my back on our relationship and walk out and that's not an easy thing to handle. He tells me he's not worried and he's fine but honestly I know that he is. I can see it each time we argue and fight. He just gets so scared. I get scared too...that he will leave me, but I shouldn't think like that. And I need to lighten up and not always react negatively to EVERY little thing. That's not nice. I need to control myself.

It's just hard right now, but we both want to be with each other so I guess everything is fine. Ugghh I have so much to make up for.



.......Accidents out on the highway to somewhere
They tell us about when we we're young
Rescuers working to clean up the crashes
Before she can see what they've done
Nobody told her she'd lose in the first round
The last fight was fixed from the start
Name's on her sidewalks they move through her body
Like razors they cut through her heart.......

Signed with a heart

Let me just start off by saying I'm pissed. Pissed beyond belief. And also disappointed. Yes, in the fact that this even came up. Disappointed in me as well as in you. Me for being stupid and believing everything that comes out of your mouth and you for being a fucking idiot and probably not even realizing what you did. And knowing me I'm bound to blow up one of these days and blow this shit out of the water, but NO I'm not gonna say shit. You did what you did and as I can see now there is absolutely NO point in talking about it because you will NEVER change. And that's pretty fucking sad because you live in your own little world. Right now I'm about to sound like a total bitch, and it's coming from me just looking at you without thinking about what we had and everything between us. This is strictly me evaluating your actions and so far I have to say that you have fell below a good or even average rating in my book. To me you are a total nothing. You don't give a shit and I'm tired of caring about it. But at the same time I'm not gonna allow for you to treat me this way. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve any of this. I'm so much better off not dealing with this constant shit. You're not perfect, yeah no shit! I know you're not. I'm not an angel either. Really, I'm a huge bitch and at the same time I know what I want and it's not how you're treating me. Not a big deal to you? It is to me and to everyone else you may consider asking. I wish I could get back at you and do what you do to me. Just once I wish I could do at least .0000001% of what you do back to you so you know what it feels like. I wish I could, but I won't allow myself, because I'm not like that. Unlike you I'm aware of my actions and don't act surprised when I'm called out on shit because I rarely ever am. If you honestly think any of these other people are any better and you have a slight interest in them, then go. I would rather you tell me that straight up then give me an unknowing stare and tell me that you don't know why the things happening are happening. Go fuck yourself.

Okay overreacting...but still, this shit boils up and your "recent" fuckup that happened a while ago but that I just found out about got me really pissed off. You don't think, and that's a fucking problem.