Signed with a heart

Let me just start off by saying I'm pissed. Pissed beyond belief. And also disappointed. Yes, in the fact that this even came up. Disappointed in me as well as in you. Me for being stupid and believing everything that comes out of your mouth and you for being a fucking idiot and probably not even realizing what you did. And knowing me I'm bound to blow up one of these days and blow this shit out of the water, but NO I'm not gonna say shit. You did what you did and as I can see now there is absolutely NO point in talking about it because you will NEVER change. And that's pretty fucking sad because you live in your own little world. Right now I'm about to sound like a total bitch, and it's coming from me just looking at you without thinking about what we had and everything between us. This is strictly me evaluating your actions and so far I have to say that you have fell below a good or even average rating in my book. To me you are a total nothing. You don't give a shit and I'm tired of caring about it. But at the same time I'm not gonna allow for you to treat me this way. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve any of this. I'm so much better off not dealing with this constant shit. You're not perfect, yeah no shit! I know you're not. I'm not an angel either. Really, I'm a huge bitch and at the same time I know what I want and it's not how you're treating me. Not a big deal to you? It is to me and to everyone else you may consider asking. I wish I could get back at you and do what you do to me. Just once I wish I could do at least .0000001% of what you do back to you so you know what it feels like. I wish I could, but I won't allow myself, because I'm not like that. Unlike you I'm aware of my actions and don't act surprised when I'm called out on shit because I rarely ever am. If you honestly think any of these other people are any better and you have a slight interest in them, then go. I would rather you tell me that straight up then give me an unknowing stare and tell me that you don't know why the things happening are happening. Go fuck yourself.

Okay overreacting...but still, this shit boils up and your "recent" fuckup that happened a while ago but that I just found out about got me really pissed off. You don't think, and that's a fucking problem.

It's cold and dark out as I find myself standing on the rough gravel on the side of the road. Not much of a road even, but a sharp left turn that everyone speeds on in order to "almost" lose control and come crashing down to the rocks below. And there I stand, right on the edge. Not to jump, not to scream, but to just get noticed. There is something dripping down my face and I realize that my hair is wet. At least my makeup won't smudge, because I'm not wearing any. Why I'm here I do not know. The only thing obvious in view is a flashing light in the distance, so far that it lays on the same level as the cliff from an eye's view. The light is bright and not discreet at all. What it wants from me I also don't know, but feel like I should follow to it. Reason being is that my own bright light burned out a while ago and there's nothing left of it but the cold, mere, darkness. The light looks comforting and if I try hard enough I can almost taste how much happiness it holds in it's little rays. But between the light and I is this cliff I'm on. Now, I can step away from the ledge, turn around and walk away from the light to the same darkness that has surrounded me all this time. I can also take a chance and take the fall. The fall won't be painless, nor will it be clear, because I'll land into the pits of the dark night and who knows if I'll ever find that light again?
So since I'm so scared of taking chances...I'll just stand on this cliff and wait for fuck know what.

Wait...I'm scared of heights, why the hell am I on a cliff again? Beats me.


stumbling through the dark with a broken heart
all alone, at it once again
seeping in like a feeling you haven't felt since way back when
in the dead of that night like the summer of sam
i caught word of the commotion you caused via telegram
i got all worked up
we got all worked up

I found a way,
over the fear and through the flames
im diving in, don't follow me
stay right here ill be back for you someday
i found a way,
it'd be best if you just stayed
its not safe don't follow me
i found a way, i found a way

Okay that story below is gonna need to chill for a while until I have the inner want to finish it.

So I sat here (this is what I do instead of sleeping) tonight and thought about how it would be great if I had more self confidence. Sure I walk around like nothing ever bothers me, but a lot of things tend to drive me insane. But I guess that's normal, as long as I'm doing what feels right. And I am.

am I?

I am happy.
(everyone take a minute to gasp)
Okay, you can stop now.
And.....I'm STILL happy.
Wow, this IS for real :D

Meow, look at the time!
Fine, I'm going I'm going.

<3

You're the only one
I'd be with till the end.
When I come undone
you bring me back again.
Back under the stars,
Back into your arms.

best fucking thing ever,

I cried the first time I heard this song live at Download Fest. But right now this is all I need to help me feel better. Better about everything. Absolutely EVERYTHING.
Fuck all that dumb shit. Honestly, there's nothing to bitch about.

AFI - The Interview

Forever waiting for disaster
What David calls servant and master,
will you play it, too?
As this displacement begs for water,
swimming, bathing, drowning in Sorrow,

Scream with me
I crawl across this cracked expansion.
I'll be buried soon
beneath the sand with pure intentions,
wanting something, someone to follow

For a change I'll refrain
from hiding all of me from you.
Here's my lullaby
Pray for rain, lose your name
And watch all your dreams fall through.
Hush now, don't you cry.

I swoon upon my knees come crashing
Will you bury me?
Today, this small favor I'm asking
Hold me. You may drop me tomorrow.

For a change, I'll refrain
From hiding all of me from you.
Here's my lullaby
Pray for rain, lose your name
And watch all your dreams fall through

For a change, I'll refrain
From hiding all of me from you
Pray for rain, lose your name
And watch all your dreams fall through
It's my lullaby,
Hush now, don't you cry.

Calm down. Come now, cold resides with me.
I flee to decemberunderground.
As you exhale, I breathe in and sink into the water underground
and I'll grow pale without you.


I think I would grow pale without AFI. It's the air I breathe...really.

all I know...

Sometimes I have so much thoughts in my heads that I can't even come to put them into sentences. I have too many of those "good cries" except they aren't good, because they are all about same big explosions in my head. All the thoughts go off at once and all hope for anything good goes away.


Hate Me :: Blue October
I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you, Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you loved me just to put it in my face
And will you never try to reach me, it is I that wanted space

Hate me today.
Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me for all the things i didn't do for you.
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.

I'm sober now for 3 whole months, it's one accomplishment that you helped me with.
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again.
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate.
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I'll never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today.
Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me for all the things i didn't do for you.
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling "Make it go away!"
Just make her smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"

Hate me today.
Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me for all the things i didn't do for you.
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.


I'm not sure how this song relates to my current anything, but it's the most soothing thing I could listen to.
And for retarded reason I feel better now. I'm an idiot. This day was pretty much perfect, but nooooo I had to go get myself into a retarded mess and end up doing this. If anyone besides people who know me really really REALLY well (well wait...I don't even know myself that well...so who the hell can those people be?) saw this I would feel completely retarded because no one in the world will EVER understand anything I'm writing about.

I'm a positive person I swear. Yes it feels funny to say that after tons and tons of shit I've expressed.

kill yourself please

Fuck you.
Fuck you and your stupid ways of living and your idiotic thoughts and feelings. Let's ask me what I feel, shall we? I don't know...what can you diagnose from all this doctor? That I'm seriously about to explode? Seriously each time I get all calm and start breathing I end up ticking away and one fucking day I'm just going to explode. I'm coming to accept the fact that I can't do this anymore more and more everyday.
You're driving me crazy. Go away.

how it goes...

I'm never gonna get half as much as I put in back. Seriously, it's just not gonna happen and as much as I always think it will...it won't.
But I guess that's just how it goes.

So unscrew my head
And rinse it out
Polish my thoughts
Turn into doubts
Unscrew my head
And rinse it out
Polish my thoughts
Turn into
Turn into doubts.

the interview...

Ok, I would like to take this chance to clear a few things up and set some shit straight. This is probably the most profound thing I'll write and I have a feeling next time I feel shitty I'll completely contradict every sentence that is about to follow. But hey, that's just how it goes.
I just spent some time reading my old blog entries on Xanga. (I read so much of other people's shit that I forgot about my own). Anyways, I'm a hypocrite. I single out others for things they have felt when really I'm just like them. I have four years of stuff I can't even describe written in that blog. I've gone from being a little innocent (in all sense of the word) girl to a sad, mean, unforgiving person in those four little years. It's amazing to look back and to also realize that I'm a completely different person than I was even two years ago when the last entry was written.
Let's get this straight both for you and I. (But mostly for ME).

I AM NOT a sad person anymore.
I have nothing to be sad about. I don't have people dragging me down. I don't have people who abuse and betray me. I don't have to sit there "pieced up in sorrow" like my blog name states. Sure, I get upset! I'm a freaking emotional person. One wrong word can drag me down, but that usually doesn't last long. There is no huge problems in my way and there is NOTHING to sit and regret.
For a person my age, I'm super lucky. I have what most people don't. Yes, I don't have much physically, but emotionally I've got it cut out for me. There should never be a day where I feel like I don't matter. Never. That would be a lie.
As I (used to) sit here and read about people's sad, sorry lives I began to understand that I'm so much better off. So it sucked for them at one point, BUT it doesn't suck for me so WHY should I dwell in their sorrows?! I have a chance and I'm going to take it. It's not even a chance. There is no right or wrong. It is all right and my only problem is giving into it. I have to fight myself in order to give into something that is good for me unlike in the past where I had a love for getting myself screwed over. There is no dark tunnel, no fog, no confusion. The only thing stopping me is in my head. But I do admit when I give in and just breathe in when I give it my all, is when I feel perfect. That's when I feel happy and complete.

I like to say I'm mature. I take pride in being a lot more smarter than most people my age, but I can honestly say that sometimes I'm below standards. I should know better than to act that way. I'm not alone anymore and my feelings/thoughts turned into actions don't only affect me anymore and I can't allow myself to hurt people who I care about. The people who made me realize all this.

That was deep, and I won't discuss it with anyone in person (hence the fact that I wrote it).
I should write a movie script. Sick, twisted and completely insane.
Yes, that's me and the inside of my head. But hey, I knew something good would come out of it.

Damn, I'm good.

...and I would be even better if I went to bed.
Goodnight.

For a change, I'll refrain
From hiding all of me from you
Here's my lullaby
Pray for rain, lose your name
And watch all your dreams fall through
Hush now, don't you cry

So much of me died with you, an ocean I've cried for you.

I don't know how to start this or if there's a point to writing this besides the ease I feel after I let it out. Seriously, when is this shit gonna end? When am I not gonna cry anymore over things that are fucking things up? Over things that literally shatter everything that I work for? Everything that I make. Everything that I fucking fight so hard for? When am I gonna be able to finally enjoy anything and everything without a second thought? I hate you. When will I stop hating you? When won't I see you as the bad guy anymore? When will you stop betraying me over and over and over again? When will I feel like I can trust you? I know I can, and I do, but when am I gonna REALLY feel it?
I'm crazy. Honestly, I'm insane. I need meds and pills to make me calm. I need something so that my life doesn't flash in front of me every time something like this happens. Or maybe I just need to be alone. Maybe I'm not meant for anyone and no one is meant for me? I can't be with anyone in this state. Or maybe I need to fully let go. Say fuck it to everything that I see getting in my way, take it minute by minute and never doubt? Hell no. I can't do that. I know myself and I can't even begin to not care. God I hate feeling sometimes. I hate feeling like I've been let down. I hate feeling upset because I have so many good feelings backing everything up. Sometimes I just want to scream, or cry, or even die. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I wasn't here anymore and if someone else had to deal with my memories, the fact that I was once there, taking up everyone's time. The fact that I was happy, or sad, or confused, misused and abused. Abused by you, the one person who wouldn't do anything to hurt me. Actually, I don't know about that anymore.
Your careless actions will drive me to the edge. The way down is long and painful and I'm afraid I will take it. You have stopped me many times from being alone but was that for my sanity or yours? Was it because you are scared to be alone? Your feelings don't seem as genuine as they were before. You think I'm a safe bet? Try again. I'm crazy. Crazy as can be. Honestly. I will fuck with you until the end and it's not because I want to, but because of how I'm built. Other's have installed this into me and I've turned out to be a cold blooded person after everything that has happened. I don't deserve anything. But at the same time I fucking love you to death. I swear I'll kill anyone who gets in our way. You and me for life. You being you and me doing this, crying my eyes out. Fuck I'm tired of crying. My shirt is soaked and my face is red. Really pretty. A real beauty. Pleasure to look at.
Deep inside I'm a good person. Honestly, I try my best. But I'm crazy. My emotions are all over the place. I'm unstable. For now I can control it. Sit and cry and write. I can't yell, nor can I fight. I can just sit there and stare you straight in the eye wondering when all this would stop.

I got distracted by a post a friend put up on Facebook and snapped out. I sound crazy above. I am crazy. Put me away. And don't visit me. Please don't. It's the only way I'll recover. I love you. See you in hell.


i am heaven sent, don't you dare forget.
i am all you've ever wanted,
what all the other boys all promised.
sorry i told. i just needed you to know.
i think in decimals and dollars.
i am the cause to all your problems,
shelter from cold. we are never alone.
coordinate brain and mouth.
then ask me what's it like to have myself so figured out.
i wish i knew..

this is war.
every line is about who i don't wanna write about anymore.
hope you come down with something they can't diagnose,
don't have the cure for.
holding on to your grudge.
oh it's so hard to have someone to love.
and keeping quiet is hard.
'cause you can't keep a secret
if it never was a secret to start.
at least pretend you didn't wanna get caught..

we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe in us.


this is the grace that only we can bestow.
this is the price you pay for loss of control.
this is the break in the bend,
this is the closest of calls.
this is the reason you're alone,
this is the rise and the fall.

we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe..

we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe in us.

"please catch me now, I'm falling"

You know what that feeling you have when you realize you fucked up on something and it's gonna take a long and hard time for you to get out of the hole you dug for yourself? I haven't had one of those in a very long time. But once again I'm back to that feeling and the worst part is that it's everything but what it always is.
I feel like there's nothing I can do (yes that's stupid, I realize there's ALWAYS something I can do) but at this point nothing is happening. It sucks and I don't have it in me to fix it. I feel like I'm done. Seriously, this just isn't for me. Why can't I find something I actually like and am happy with for once?! Here I am again starting all over from where I was. Waste a whole year. And if I find out I can't drop the class tomorrow I'm fucked for sure, kinda. I can always transfer and I guess that will do it, but I don't want to feel like a fucking reject. That's what city college makes it seem like. Everyone and anyone gets in. I probably won't even be happy there.
Why doesn't anyone have a time machine?
Bastards.

I wrote some long crazy shit just now but decided to delete all of it because the perfect song just came on shuffle.

All I can say
I should have said
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time




I miss you.

Wow...scrolling down to October 14th was amazing. I can't even believe I wrote that...even though I feel more connected to it then what I wrote today.
Wow...October? that's a shitload ago. haha right before that picture was taken...I still think we look different. Is that bad?

haha...what!!!

I set myself up for things. Honestly, I need to read a book or something when I'm bored instead of trying to go back into people's lives. This has done nothing for me. It's not like I don't have my own problems and past to deal with, yet I get involved in other people's drama? That seems stupid.
For one though, it made me a realize a lot of things. Once again I was overwhelmed with emotion and got really sad. The reason why is still confusing. Partly because I felt sorry for the person who's misery I was reading, and partly because it reminded me of my own. I thought back to all the times I must have cried myself to sleep while thinking about what could have been between me and the person with whom I thought I was madly in love with. I remembered how much of myself I gave up for absolutely nothing. How much of myself I've wasted on someone who didn't deserve any of it. How everything I did went to waste and how I was constantly used for someone's entertainment. I can't imagine for a second though having those feelings of confusion and regret for the same person as they did. I'm actually really scared of that, but at the same time I know it will never happen.
Now I'm all confused with what I was talking about, but it was just weird to see someone who was in the same state as me towards someone who I know really well. It almost makes me want to give them back so they will stop feeling hurt and weird, but at the same time I would never do that, because that is one thing I'll never let go....or at least I'll try.
It's hard to think back and realize that I was affected by that one person so much. It was only four months on and off, but it felt like 20 years. I don't know whether to cry because I've lost so much, or laugh because I got so fucking lucky in the end. Not that I ever regret blocking that person out of my life, don't get me wrong I would NEVER go back. But I honestly think I could have done so much better. It just seems hard to believe that someone so young can feel all those things and be put through so much. Call me over emotional, but honestly I would like to see how you hold up when what I went through happens to you. G-d forbid it ever does. That's why I build walls, to keep people away. I want to open myself up to so much more and be able to just let go and be free, but at the same time I can't. I can't just allow things to happen without my control. I'm scared. I can't even explain it. Think back to when you were little, to the time you got a whole pile of candy and you were saving it up because you wanted a huge pile when you finally decided to eat them. Imagine watching over them like crazy and then one day find that they aren't there anymore because someone took them away. Sad right? That's how it is with people, except 100000 times worse. The emotional damage it leaves is seriously unbearable. Some people let go easy, but not I. I don't wanna come off all suicidal "omg I'm gonna kill myself" because I was NEVER like that and never will be.
It's just so fucking sad and confusing dealing with past and present emotions. The past always comes back to you, even when it's not your past to begin with. I can't seem to block that out. I shouldn't care, because at this moment all the attention is on me and I'm finally where I wanted to be. I finally feel like I matter and yet I still let dumb thoughts overpower my happiness. Sometimes I think I'm seriously mentally disturbed. I say one thing and the next moment I feel something different. But that's not true, at least not with this. I know how I feel and nothing will change that. I'm scared that I'll say something and fuck it all up. Someone needs to shut me up, tape my mouth shut or something.

Ok, now that that's over with...we can all move on with life which involves pink unicorns and rainbows! wooooooooooooo

welcome b...oh shut up!

Break is over. It was somewhat lovely and I never wanted it to end. And now we are back to this and that and four months of crap and no sleep and blah blah blah. Gosh, don't I have anything better to do!? Guess not.

get back

It's been a while.
Damnit, I always have something to write about during the day, but I never write it down because I know that typing it up again after will be boring because I won't feel what I was feeling at the time.
Right now I am extremely happy and that's the way it will stay. The only thing I am lacking is sleep. Oh yes, some of that would be nice.
Daisy left already. I miss him, but not as much as before. It's nice that we got a chance to hang out. Can't wait till break...lots of sleep and work and just relaxing. How great does that sound?
The hump is tomorrow. But we will get through the hump just fine, RIIIIIGHT?

on my way,

This mellow, somewhat slow Tuesday is already coming to an end. I hate that feeling when it's kinda late and you realize there is still a pile of stuff left to do. Like this essay...that was due today. Luckily I wasn't the only one who forgot that it was due today and not Thursday and she said I can turn it in tomorrow. I freaked out and totally came up to her and asked in this amazingly nice/worried tone and she was nothing but nice to me. It's amazing how you can get your way with people you don't know. It's funny how you can have the biggest grin on your face when your whole world is upside down and they won't have the slightest clue, unlike with those that know you well when you don't even have to say anything for them to know something is up. And that is great.
I wish it would stop drizzling and actually rain, like last week. Ha, exactly a week ago at night. That was great. Felt right and is much needed.
wow, this was supposed to come out a bit deeper than it is turning out to be. I always have the perfect thing to say, but never end up saying it. I don't even seem to remember what it was. Maybe that's because it wasn't anything special? Who knows? I don't.
Ah, the bitch in math stopped staring, while the bitch in English continues too. It's fun to stare back until she ends up turning away. If she only knew what I was thinking at the time, she wouldn't be staring at all. One day I'll call her out.

Rafaella and I are planning to meet up again. This shall be very exciting and somewhat helpful. I always kinda wished I was like her back in the day. She is always involved in all these extra activities and she does so well in everything. She will get really far. I can't say I won't, but for now I'm stuck in fog. I have no idea what I want or how it will all turn out. It's fun to think about finishing school and actually...living, but at the same time I just want to go under the covers and sleep until everything is done for me. But that wouldn't be too fun.

time to go write the essay. First draft is done and corrected by more than one person, so this shall be easy. I just have to force myself to do it. aaahhh, this week needs to end. And the ending has to be the same as it has been for the past weeks, or else it just won't do it.


"Did it all get real? I guess it's real enough
They got refrigerators full of blood
Another century spent pointing guns
At anything that moves
Sometimes I worry that I've lost the plot
My twitching muscles tease my flippant thoughts
I never really dreamed of heaven much
Until we put him in the ground
But it's all I'm doing now
Listening for patterns in the sound
Of an endless static sea
But once the satellite's deceased
It blows like garbage through the streets
Of the night sky to infinity


Don't be a criminal in this police state
You'd better shop and eat and procreate
You've got vacation days, then you might escape
To a condo on the coast
I set my watch to the atomic clock
I hear the crowd count down until the bomb gets dropped
I always figured there'd be time enough
I never let it get me down
But I can't help it now
Looking for faces in the clouds
I've got some friends I barely see
But we're all planning to meet
We'll lay in bags as dead as leaves
All together for eternity

But don't you weep
Don't you weep
There is nothing as lucky
Honey, don't you weep
Don't you weep
There is nothing as lucky
As easy
Or free"


...as what?!!! The song fails to tell me!
WTF...I'm so not satisfied!

true romance.

Great day to write.
Great day to fucking fall down a hole and die.
I don't mean that. I don't mean anything I say today, except what I'm about to write, even if it comes out sounding like a complete pile of contradictions.

Today can be added to a list of shitty days for several reasons.
One being that feeling hungover is not exactly fun, nor is puking and wishing I would die last night. The whole thing made me be super touchy and mean. I went off on like 3 people today because they were talking loud. I even went off on you for making me feel like you hate me. Yeah...I'm talking to you. From now on this entry is directed towards you. Here is what I don't think I can tell you now, but probably will anyways. You know how I am. I love you. Not just for what you did, but just because. I love you for every reason that exists in the world, while at the same time just loving you for no reason at all. Is that weird? I don't think it's bad. I think it's fucking great. I don't need to come up with a reason to love you. Just you existing is enough. and don't think it's not hard for me. Being away drives me crazy sometimes. I have random desires during the day to just see you, even just for a minute. I think of you often and how there is no one else I can see myself with. I feel close, but at times like these when everything in my head is out of control I don't see our perfect connection. I even broke down when we were talking online about last night being good and bad. Gretta thought I was crazy and calmed me down on the phone. I'm sorry I question things. I question them often. I don't doubt you on purpose. I don't doubt you at all actually. I guess I doubt myself and my ability to make this work. I'm trying, and so far it has not been hard. You've made it easy for me to just be happy without a reason and that's something no one has ever done for me yet. The last two months have been some of the best times I've ever had. I guess I'm scared that this perfect cloud will dissolve without notice, but who isn't scared of such things at first? I know deep inside that we will be okay, even if I do need you to confirm it for me.
I'm scared of you seeing me fuck up. The feeling that I had in the past, that I wasn't good enough still returns to me sometimes and I think back to the time when I was feeling like there was no point to anything. I think back to the time when I was left alone by the only person I cared about more than anything and I get scared. I get scared of having to go back to that. I don't want to ever feel that again, especially with you. This has gone way beyond anything playful for me. I don't know how we will end up, or where and I don't really want to think about it now. Everything seems to fall apart when you plan it too far ahead of time. All I know is that I want to be with you. That feeling remains no matter what I'm going through. I want to be with you even when I hate the whole world and also when I'm the happiest person alive.

I don't know what to say anymore. This is positive. I'm determined. I feel better now. I hope you get what I'm saying. I know you will, cause I can't even explain what I wrote above, but I mean it. I really do.