self medication

I remember being one of those people who would write in their journal everyday. I still have my old Xanga links and all. And sometimes after some of my friends abandoned theirs, I still went back and read over their entries and all the comments. I guess that's the cool part about journaling, everything stays there even when the people change and everything around is different. Because eventually exact feelings and thoughts become lost in time, but there's always what you have written to look back on. I don't have much to say about the matter than I just wrote, so I'll stop there.

On a different note, it's come to my attention that we have several problems to work out. I hate using the term "problems" so I'll replace that with "cracks" or "things"
to work on. And sometimes I feel like this isn't good enough for me and that I want something else, like I'm worth a lot more than what I'm getting back from this. And other times I feel like I'm not good enough. And then I keep wondering and assuming and stating and it never ever ever gets me anywhere. I hope this feeling or whatever it is that's bothering me passes and everything turns out fine because this is the one thing I worry about most than anything else that I've ever worried about and it's such an annoying piece of shit having all these feeling and they just need to GO AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY.

Ok, I'm fine :)

you just can't stop me

It's that time of the month again when I go and stick my nose into places it shouldn't be in. It didn't take that long to figure out the log-in details and I could have sworn I tried the one that worked a million times before. I haven't been to that web page in a while though, maybe about a month or so. I've been doing good. Really, I have. I think it affected me less this time. I didn't really feel anything when I read over all the crap I told myself I would never look at. This is too easy. If I want this shit to stop bothering me I need to stop reading it. OR I should just keep reading it until eventually it means nothing anymore. That sounds like a plan. I'll spend all my time reading over what has happened and have no time at all for my current life. Really, there is nothing I would rather be doing than glossing over written confessions of love for other girls. Seriously, fuck them. I got the floor now and I'm gonna use my time wisely and then everything will be okay. Gee how happy I do sound. Let's just hope I can stick to it...since we all know I have issues doing that. Back to H.W. woo

I'm still breathing...

I was absolutely fine until about 3 minutes ago. It's times like these when I have lots of things to do but I only end up sitting in front of the computer looking at things I should not be looking at. I've been doing better though. I don't get myself into looking at things I wasn't involved in at the time of occurrence and that stops me from making assumptions and guesses about what happened. But the facts till remains that I know enough to make me sad. It shouldn't matter but it still gets me down. I guess I am the type of person who lives in the past? I don't want to be this person I describe, but it's not something that's easy to get away from. Ugghhh so frustrating. It's weird, sometimes I feel like EVERYTHING is perfect and nothing can get in the way and sometimes there are times when I get really sad and think "oh well, it's just not gonna work out" and it's so hard to control. I must admit I do like that amazing feeling where I think that everything is good, because at the time...it really is.

This means I just have to keep myself busy. And try really hard not to TRY and find things and try and NOT be sad and TRY to understand and accept and let go, or not give a shit because it really doesn't matter. What matters is NOW. What matters is ME and US and everything we have built up to.

aaahhh let's see if I stick to my statements...

from the sky I pulled you down tonight....

All seems to be going well. I feel weird saying that, because everytime I do make this kind of a statement, it ends up pinching me in the ass...hard. Maybe I'm being a bit pessimistic here? I don't think so. Honestly, each time I admit to being happy, shit fucks up right then and there. I'm scared for what is coming...if that is the case.

She called on Friday and he told me because I asked. He said he was gonna erase it from his call log and not tell me because it's no big deal. It makes me sad that he would consider something like that. She left a voicemail and we listened to it together. In her whiny stupid voice she rambled on about how she wants to catch up and how it's been sooooo long so he should call her back. He promised he wouldn't and for some reason I believe him. Lately I haven't been dwelling on things that he has done to upset me. Nothing seems to stick, and maybe that's because there are no major issues to think about. For now all is good, but as I said in my above paragraph, this cannot last forever.

There are times when I get this crazy feeling that I've found everything I've ever wanted in this person. I can't even look at him because I find myself going insane from all the feelings rushing though my mind. Sometimes it's too much to handle, but that's a good thing ;)

Night life the high life she just wants a good life

The past week was the most annoying week I think we have ever had. There wasn't a day when we wouldn't snap at one another for any and every little thing possible. We avoided getting into fights and me being mad and hanging up and telling off and singing off and sad faces and the usual him not thinking of MY feelings. That's the last thing we needed and we did a good job avoiding it. How? I'm still not sure, just thank God it turned out this way.

If anything, I think we reached the moment where it's like...is this really what we want? This is us at our worst annoying moments and our stubborn little selves wanting to make things better. It's been hard for me to realize how hard I have to work (literally) to be able to live together and do what we want to do. That was like a real wake up call. I mean I knew this before. I wouldn't allow myself to live with him without having a job, but this all just made me realize I have a long way to go. I know it's hard for him too and he's the one waiting for me. I feel like I've kinda lost control of things and for once I'm the one to blame for whatever is not happening in our relationship. I really need to step up. It's hard to realize that he's pretty much just waiting out for me to grow up and see what I truly want. And I know that he's still scared I'll wake up one day and change my mind about being with him and turn my back on our relationship and walk out and that's not an easy thing to handle. He tells me he's not worried and he's fine but honestly I know that he is. I can see it each time we argue and fight. He just gets so scared. I get scared too...that he will leave me, but I shouldn't think like that. And I need to lighten up and not always react negatively to EVERY little thing. That's not nice. I need to control myself.

It's just hard right now, but we both want to be with each other so I guess everything is fine. Ugghh I have so much to make up for.



.......Accidents out on the highway to somewhere
They tell us about when we we're young
Rescuers working to clean up the crashes
Before she can see what they've done
Nobody told her she'd lose in the first round
The last fight was fixed from the start
Name's on her sidewalks they move through her body
Like razors they cut through her heart.......

Signed with a heart

Let me just start off by saying I'm pissed. Pissed beyond belief. And also disappointed. Yes, in the fact that this even came up. Disappointed in me as well as in you. Me for being stupid and believing everything that comes out of your mouth and you for being a fucking idiot and probably not even realizing what you did. And knowing me I'm bound to blow up one of these days and blow this shit out of the water, but NO I'm not gonna say shit. You did what you did and as I can see now there is absolutely NO point in talking about it because you will NEVER change. And that's pretty fucking sad because you live in your own little world. Right now I'm about to sound like a total bitch, and it's coming from me just looking at you without thinking about what we had and everything between us. This is strictly me evaluating your actions and so far I have to say that you have fell below a good or even average rating in my book. To me you are a total nothing. You don't give a shit and I'm tired of caring about it. But at the same time I'm not gonna allow for you to treat me this way. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve any of this. I'm so much better off not dealing with this constant shit. You're not perfect, yeah no shit! I know you're not. I'm not an angel either. Really, I'm a huge bitch and at the same time I know what I want and it's not how you're treating me. Not a big deal to you? It is to me and to everyone else you may consider asking. I wish I could get back at you and do what you do to me. Just once I wish I could do at least .0000001% of what you do back to you so you know what it feels like. I wish I could, but I won't allow myself, because I'm not like that. Unlike you I'm aware of my actions and don't act surprised when I'm called out on shit because I rarely ever am. If you honestly think any of these other people are any better and you have a slight interest in them, then go. I would rather you tell me that straight up then give me an unknowing stare and tell me that you don't know why the things happening are happening. Go fuck yourself.

Okay overreacting...but still, this shit boils up and your "recent" fuckup that happened a while ago but that I just found out about got me really pissed off. You don't think, and that's a fucking problem.

It's cold and dark out as I find myself standing on the rough gravel on the side of the road. Not much of a road even, but a sharp left turn that everyone speeds on in order to "almost" lose control and come crashing down to the rocks below. And there I stand, right on the edge. Not to jump, not to scream, but to just get noticed. There is something dripping down my face and I realize that my hair is wet. At least my makeup won't smudge, because I'm not wearing any. Why I'm here I do not know. The only thing obvious in view is a flashing light in the distance, so far that it lays on the same level as the cliff from an eye's view. The light is bright and not discreet at all. What it wants from me I also don't know, but feel like I should follow to it. Reason being is that my own bright light burned out a while ago and there's nothing left of it but the cold, mere, darkness. The light looks comforting and if I try hard enough I can almost taste how much happiness it holds in it's little rays. But between the light and I is this cliff I'm on. Now, I can step away from the ledge, turn around and walk away from the light to the same darkness that has surrounded me all this time. I can also take a chance and take the fall. The fall won't be painless, nor will it be clear, because I'll land into the pits of the dark night and who knows if I'll ever find that light again?
So since I'm so scared of taking chances...I'll just stand on this cliff and wait for fuck know what.

Wait...I'm scared of heights, why the hell am I on a cliff again? Beats me.


stumbling through the dark with a broken heart
all alone, at it once again
seeping in like a feeling you haven't felt since way back when
in the dead of that night like the summer of sam
i caught word of the commotion you caused via telegram
i got all worked up
we got all worked up

I found a way,
over the fear and through the flames
im diving in, don't follow me
stay right here ill be back for you someday
i found a way,
it'd be best if you just stayed
its not safe don't follow me
i found a way, i found a way

Okay that story below is gonna need to chill for a while until I have the inner want to finish it.

So I sat here (this is what I do instead of sleeping) tonight and thought about how it would be great if I had more self confidence. Sure I walk around like nothing ever bothers me, but a lot of things tend to drive me insane. But I guess that's normal, as long as I'm doing what feels right. And I am.

am I?

I am happy.
(everyone take a minute to gasp)
Okay, you can stop now.
And.....I'm STILL happy.
Wow, this IS for real :D

Meow, look at the time!
Fine, I'm going I'm going.

<3

You're the only one
I'd be with till the end.
When I come undone
you bring me back again.
Back under the stars,
Back into your arms.

best fucking thing ever,

I cried the first time I heard this song live at Download Fest. But right now this is all I need to help me feel better. Better about everything. Absolutely EVERYTHING.
Fuck all that dumb shit. Honestly, there's nothing to bitch about.

AFI - The Interview

Forever waiting for disaster
What David calls servant and master,
will you play it, too?
As this displacement begs for water,
swimming, bathing, drowning in Sorrow,

Scream with me
I crawl across this cracked expansion.
I'll be buried soon
beneath the sand with pure intentions,
wanting something, someone to follow

For a change I'll refrain
from hiding all of me from you.
Here's my lullaby
Pray for rain, lose your name
And watch all your dreams fall through.
Hush now, don't you cry.

I swoon upon my knees come crashing
Will you bury me?
Today, this small favor I'm asking
Hold me. You may drop me tomorrow.

For a change, I'll refrain
From hiding all of me from you.
Here's my lullaby
Pray for rain, lose your name
And watch all your dreams fall through

For a change, I'll refrain
From hiding all of me from you
Pray for rain, lose your name
And watch all your dreams fall through
It's my lullaby,
Hush now, don't you cry.

Calm down. Come now, cold resides with me.
I flee to decemberunderground.
As you exhale, I breathe in and sink into the water underground
and I'll grow pale without you.


I think I would grow pale without AFI. It's the air I breathe...really.

all I know...

Sometimes I have so much thoughts in my heads that I can't even come to put them into sentences. I have too many of those "good cries" except they aren't good, because they are all about same big explosions in my head. All the thoughts go off at once and all hope for anything good goes away.


Hate Me :: Blue October
I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you, Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you loved me just to put it in my face
And will you never try to reach me, it is I that wanted space

Hate me today.
Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me for all the things i didn't do for you.
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.

I'm sober now for 3 whole months, it's one accomplishment that you helped me with.
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again.
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate.
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I'll never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today.
Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me for all the things i didn't do for you.
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling "Make it go away!"
Just make her smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"

Hate me today.
Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me for all the things i didn't do for you.
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.


I'm not sure how this song relates to my current anything, but it's the most soothing thing I could listen to.
And for retarded reason I feel better now. I'm an idiot. This day was pretty much perfect, but nooooo I had to go get myself into a retarded mess and end up doing this. If anyone besides people who know me really really REALLY well (well wait...I don't even know myself that well...so who the hell can those people be?) saw this I would feel completely retarded because no one in the world will EVER understand anything I'm writing about.

I'm a positive person I swear. Yes it feels funny to say that after tons and tons of shit I've expressed.

kill yourself please

Fuck you.
Fuck you and your stupid ways of living and your idiotic thoughts and feelings. Let's ask me what I feel, shall we? I don't know...what can you diagnose from all this doctor? That I'm seriously about to explode? Seriously each time I get all calm and start breathing I end up ticking away and one fucking day I'm just going to explode. I'm coming to accept the fact that I can't do this anymore more and more everyday.
You're driving me crazy. Go away.

how it goes...

I'm never gonna get half as much as I put in back. Seriously, it's just not gonna happen and as much as I always think it will...it won't.
But I guess that's just how it goes.

So unscrew my head
And rinse it out
Polish my thoughts
Turn into doubts
Unscrew my head
And rinse it out
Polish my thoughts
Turn into
Turn into doubts.

the interview...

Ok, I would like to take this chance to clear a few things up and set some shit straight. This is probably the most profound thing I'll write and I have a feeling next time I feel shitty I'll completely contradict every sentence that is about to follow. But hey, that's just how it goes.
I just spent some time reading my old blog entries on Xanga. (I read so much of other people's shit that I forgot about my own). Anyways, I'm a hypocrite. I single out others for things they have felt when really I'm just like them. I have four years of stuff I can't even describe written in that blog. I've gone from being a little innocent (in all sense of the word) girl to a sad, mean, unforgiving person in those four little years. It's amazing to look back and to also realize that I'm a completely different person than I was even two years ago when the last entry was written.
Let's get this straight both for you and I. (But mostly for ME).

I AM NOT a sad person anymore.
I have nothing to be sad about. I don't have people dragging me down. I don't have people who abuse and betray me. I don't have to sit there "pieced up in sorrow" like my blog name states. Sure, I get upset! I'm a freaking emotional person. One wrong word can drag me down, but that usually doesn't last long. There is no huge problems in my way and there is NOTHING to sit and regret.
For a person my age, I'm super lucky. I have what most people don't. Yes, I don't have much physically, but emotionally I've got it cut out for me. There should never be a day where I feel like I don't matter. Never. That would be a lie.
As I (used to) sit here and read about people's sad, sorry lives I began to understand that I'm so much better off. So it sucked for them at one point, BUT it doesn't suck for me so WHY should I dwell in their sorrows?! I have a chance and I'm going to take it. It's not even a chance. There is no right or wrong. It is all right and my only problem is giving into it. I have to fight myself in order to give into something that is good for me unlike in the past where I had a love for getting myself screwed over. There is no dark tunnel, no fog, no confusion. The only thing stopping me is in my head. But I do admit when I give in and just breathe in when I give it my all, is when I feel perfect. That's when I feel happy and complete.

I like to say I'm mature. I take pride in being a lot more smarter than most people my age, but I can honestly say that sometimes I'm below standards. I should know better than to act that way. I'm not alone anymore and my feelings/thoughts turned into actions don't only affect me anymore and I can't allow myself to hurt people who I care about. The people who made me realize all this.

That was deep, and I won't discuss it with anyone in person (hence the fact that I wrote it).
I should write a movie script. Sick, twisted and completely insane.
Yes, that's me and the inside of my head. But hey, I knew something good would come out of it.

Damn, I'm good.

...and I would be even better if I went to bed.
Goodnight.

For a change, I'll refrain
From hiding all of me from you
Here's my lullaby
Pray for rain, lose your name
And watch all your dreams fall through
Hush now, don't you cry

So much of me died with you, an ocean I've cried for you.

I don't know how to start this or if there's a point to writing this besides the ease I feel after I let it out. Seriously, when is this shit gonna end? When am I not gonna cry anymore over things that are fucking things up? Over things that literally shatter everything that I work for? Everything that I make. Everything that I fucking fight so hard for? When am I gonna be able to finally enjoy anything and everything without a second thought? I hate you. When will I stop hating you? When won't I see you as the bad guy anymore? When will you stop betraying me over and over and over again? When will I feel like I can trust you? I know I can, and I do, but when am I gonna REALLY feel it?
I'm crazy. Honestly, I'm insane. I need meds and pills to make me calm. I need something so that my life doesn't flash in front of me every time something like this happens. Or maybe I just need to be alone. Maybe I'm not meant for anyone and no one is meant for me? I can't be with anyone in this state. Or maybe I need to fully let go. Say fuck it to everything that I see getting in my way, take it minute by minute and never doubt? Hell no. I can't do that. I know myself and I can't even begin to not care. God I hate feeling sometimes. I hate feeling like I've been let down. I hate feeling upset because I have so many good feelings backing everything up. Sometimes I just want to scream, or cry, or even die. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I wasn't here anymore and if someone else had to deal with my memories, the fact that I was once there, taking up everyone's time. The fact that I was happy, or sad, or confused, misused and abused. Abused by you, the one person who wouldn't do anything to hurt me. Actually, I don't know about that anymore.
Your careless actions will drive me to the edge. The way down is long and painful and I'm afraid I will take it. You have stopped me many times from being alone but was that for my sanity or yours? Was it because you are scared to be alone? Your feelings don't seem as genuine as they were before. You think I'm a safe bet? Try again. I'm crazy. Crazy as can be. Honestly. I will fuck with you until the end and it's not because I want to, but because of how I'm built. Other's have installed this into me and I've turned out to be a cold blooded person after everything that has happened. I don't deserve anything. But at the same time I fucking love you to death. I swear I'll kill anyone who gets in our way. You and me for life. You being you and me doing this, crying my eyes out. Fuck I'm tired of crying. My shirt is soaked and my face is red. Really pretty. A real beauty. Pleasure to look at.
Deep inside I'm a good person. Honestly, I try my best. But I'm crazy. My emotions are all over the place. I'm unstable. For now I can control it. Sit and cry and write. I can't yell, nor can I fight. I can just sit there and stare you straight in the eye wondering when all this would stop.

I got distracted by a post a friend put up on Facebook and snapped out. I sound crazy above. I am crazy. Put me away. And don't visit me. Please don't. It's the only way I'll recover. I love you. See you in hell.


i am heaven sent, don't you dare forget.
i am all you've ever wanted,
what all the other boys all promised.
sorry i told. i just needed you to know.
i think in decimals and dollars.
i am the cause to all your problems,
shelter from cold. we are never alone.
coordinate brain and mouth.
then ask me what's it like to have myself so figured out.
i wish i knew..

this is war.
every line is about who i don't wanna write about anymore.
hope you come down with something they can't diagnose,
don't have the cure for.
holding on to your grudge.
oh it's so hard to have someone to love.
and keeping quiet is hard.
'cause you can't keep a secret
if it never was a secret to start.
at least pretend you didn't wanna get caught..

we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe in us.


this is the grace that only we can bestow.
this is the price you pay for loss of control.
this is the break in the bend,
this is the closest of calls.
this is the reason you're alone,
this is the rise and the fall.

we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe..

we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe in us.

"please catch me now, I'm falling"

You know what that feeling you have when you realize you fucked up on something and it's gonna take a long and hard time for you to get out of the hole you dug for yourself? I haven't had one of those in a very long time. But once again I'm back to that feeling and the worst part is that it's everything but what it always is.
I feel like there's nothing I can do (yes that's stupid, I realize there's ALWAYS something I can do) but at this point nothing is happening. It sucks and I don't have it in me to fix it. I feel like I'm done. Seriously, this just isn't for me. Why can't I find something I actually like and am happy with for once?! Here I am again starting all over from where I was. Waste a whole year. And if I find out I can't drop the class tomorrow I'm fucked for sure, kinda. I can always transfer and I guess that will do it, but I don't want to feel like a fucking reject. That's what city college makes it seem like. Everyone and anyone gets in. I probably won't even be happy there.
Why doesn't anyone have a time machine?
Bastards.

I wrote some long crazy shit just now but decided to delete all of it because the perfect song just came on shuffle.

All I can say
I should have said
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time




I miss you.

Wow...scrolling down to October 14th was amazing. I can't even believe I wrote that...even though I feel more connected to it then what I wrote today.
Wow...October? that's a shitload ago. haha right before that picture was taken...I still think we look different. Is that bad?