iono

there aren't supposed to be anymore insecurities. at all. never ever ever ever.


so why are they still here?

if you wanna give me what I want....listen

Being sick really sucks sometimes. But that's besides the point.

Not to sound all mushy, but next week ...exactly in a week actually is gonna mark 18 months since Ryan and I have been together. Wow, a year and a half. That's longer than I've been with anyone in my whole life. Ha, 3 months seemed like a shitload to me back in sophomore year. Funny thing is, I'm still getting used to being with him. I remember back to when I kept waking up each day thinking he would break up with me that night when I would see him, but he never did. He established himself as the nice one from the beginning. I expected bad things from him because of the way I was treated before, it was nothing personal towards him or his character. I guess I just felt like I needed to be treated bad, because that's all I've known until then. I used to think Ryan messed up big time for getting with me, that I didn't deserve what he was doing for me and he certainly didn't deserve to be with someone like me who's indecisive and kinda stuck in the middle of everything. That's why I was so hurt when I found out about that stupid bitch. I finally accepted that things were okay and that I would finally be happy. And one day I step into this whole world which shatters everything I acquired into pieces. I can say I haven't been as happy as I was before that incident ever again. She just won't go away. I hate her. This hate has gone from being on the surface to deep, instilled hate that comes back up everytime she calls. I'm not gnna hold a grudge against her forever, but that doesn't mean I want her to be in my life. There is really nothing more to say on that topic.

I've gone so far with this. I have changed myself for the better in so many ways. I found someone to trust and rely on and that's something I've never had before. Every little thing we argue over doesn't even come close to making me feel the things I've felt before when I was unsure of things. Right now it's like..."you're pissing me off so I'mma go for now..." and then back to wanting to see him and talk to him the next day. There is no doubt in my mind that I wanna be with him, and I know he feels the same.

Back to talking about 18 months...I want to do something really nice, like go somewhere for a couple of days or something. I have a 4 day weekend since there's no school Friday or Monday of that weekend and Ryan is off work Monday so that means we have 3 days together. I offered to go to Konocti even though I know he's been there with an ex before. I'm trying something new, putting aside the fact that he's been or done certain things with other girlfriend's and trying to do them with him too. I mean...he totally hasn't experienced anything until he does it with me! So I decided to stop letting these ex bitches ruin MY life and what I wanna do and told my thoughts to cool down and that it's all in my head and just go for it. So no word on Konocti yet, and knowing us we are slow to decide and mak plans...so I don't know.
Hopefully we can get away...I really want to go somewhere to get away from here. I mean I love it and all, but I really want to spend some alone time together and somewhere else.

Aaaand I got him the best present ever ;) Can't say what it is yet but it's amazing.

On that note, I'm still sick...so I'm gonna go try and get better. Oh yes! and get ready for my Stats test tomorrow UGH!

P.S I actually called Ryan by name this time! Maybe I'll make that a constant from now on :)

what new friends will the day bring?

I love talking to his friends. I love that his friends are so easy to get along with. I don't even know a lot of them, only through Facebook and whatnot, but there's something about them that I love. Maybe it's the fact that they agree with me about that little piece of shit that is frolicking around and messing up everything I've got. This proves that the dude I'm with is completely clueless and blind. I wish someone would talk to him and make him see what I and everyone else sees. Seriously, ALL his friends that I've talked to from college hate her. So I'm fully justified in my pissyness and annoyance. Can't wait to see how this unfolds.

Just talked to John, his really good friend from SLO. (hence why I'm talking about friends) and he's coming here this Saturday to see a show with us. Judging from our FB conversation him and I will get along great. I like that all his friends like me. This way he's gonna look like an idiot if he fucks up. Perfect.

And yes, I still hope she falls off the planet.

you make me better

All is good in Bella land once again it seems. :)
And Bella is happy once again it seems.
And nothing like that will ever....try to happen again. And that I don't see, that I know. =D

a quick death

Got myself into a new mess.
Our fight was very long and serious (I think we ignored the main issue and focused on something else instead...hmm) and didn't really solve anything except the obvious. I have to be less jealous and more trusting. That lead it to me promising I wouldn't log into accounts that are not mine. As much as it might sound creepy, that's kinda...the air I breathe...or at least some of it. Not that I want to find something bad, but it's more like I feel better when I do and see there was nothing to worry about. Now that's taken away from me.

I hate that the communication between us is so...stiff. I feel wrong and bad for wanting to bring up certain things, whether they bother me or not and totally feel like I'm not allowed. I don't know if I can deal, I don't do well on lock downs.

Scared to think about what would happen if I actually didn't come back after walking out, therefore I avoid those thoughts. Things like that make me feel like I'm dying. I get all tense and breathe hard and heavy and it honestly feels like my heart is gonna explode. There were no tears this time, just anger and disbelief. Was all this worth it? We shall see...

grr

I honestly don't think I'm a freak for spending time on trying to make myself look good. I personally think it's ridiculous that some of those people have NEVER had a wax in their life and don't do their hair or wear any makeup or anything of that sort. I mean c'mon. Your appearance says a lot about you!
And he makes fun of me because I actually put time into looking nice? Ok I'll look like a bum once and we'll see what he says.

Ugh, sometimes I think I'm too much for this person. Maybe I should just let him get back to being with ugly and annoying stupid people who do nothing with their lives, since that's all he's ever known anyways.

stain red

You know when you get that feeling that you're doing something wrong and everything seems to be going down the drain? Shitty feeling, BUT I haven't felt it in a while. That's scary, but also amazing.
I realized (well not like I had no clue before) that I'm a very jealous person, both of the past and the present. That's just how I am and I don't think that's ever gonna change. Take it or leave it. It's hard to deal with my weird thoughts and everything that pops into my head like my new semi-red hair looking like whatsherfaces dumb bitch's myspace profile pic. Who else would think of that but me!? But ahhh my hair looks like hers did. Shoot me now. Whatever, she looked bad with it anyways.

I dont wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest,
Or the girl who never wants to be alone.
I dont wanna be that call at 4 o'clock in the morning,
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home.

Ah-ah-ah, the sun is blinding.
Ah-ah, I stayed up again.
Oh-oh-oh, what a finding.
That's not the way I want my story to end...

self medication

I remember being one of those people who would write in their journal everyday. I still have my old Xanga links and all. And sometimes after some of my friends abandoned theirs, I still went back and read over their entries and all the comments. I guess that's the cool part about journaling, everything stays there even when the people change and everything around is different. Because eventually exact feelings and thoughts become lost in time, but there's always what you have written to look back on. I don't have much to say about the matter than I just wrote, so I'll stop there.

On a different note, it's come to my attention that we have several problems to work out. I hate using the term "problems" so I'll replace that with "cracks" or "things"
to work on. And sometimes I feel like this isn't good enough for me and that I want something else, like I'm worth a lot more than what I'm getting back from this. And other times I feel like I'm not good enough. And then I keep wondering and assuming and stating and it never ever ever gets me anywhere. I hope this feeling or whatever it is that's bothering me passes and everything turns out fine because this is the one thing I worry about most than anything else that I've ever worried about and it's such an annoying piece of shit having all these feeling and they just need to GO AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY.

Ok, I'm fine :)

you just can't stop me

It's that time of the month again when I go and stick my nose into places it shouldn't be in. It didn't take that long to figure out the log-in details and I could have sworn I tried the one that worked a million times before. I haven't been to that web page in a while though, maybe about a month or so. I've been doing good. Really, I have. I think it affected me less this time. I didn't really feel anything when I read over all the crap I told myself I would never look at. This is too easy. If I want this shit to stop bothering me I need to stop reading it. OR I should just keep reading it until eventually it means nothing anymore. That sounds like a plan. I'll spend all my time reading over what has happened and have no time at all for my current life. Really, there is nothing I would rather be doing than glossing over written confessions of love for other girls. Seriously, fuck them. I got the floor now and I'm gonna use my time wisely and then everything will be okay. Gee how happy I do sound. Let's just hope I can stick to it...since we all know I have issues doing that. Back to H.W. woo

I'm still breathing...

I was absolutely fine until about 3 minutes ago. It's times like these when I have lots of things to do but I only end up sitting in front of the computer looking at things I should not be looking at. I've been doing better though. I don't get myself into looking at things I wasn't involved in at the time of occurrence and that stops me from making assumptions and guesses about what happened. But the facts till remains that I know enough to make me sad. It shouldn't matter but it still gets me down. I guess I am the type of person who lives in the past? I don't want to be this person I describe, but it's not something that's easy to get away from. Ugghhh so frustrating. It's weird, sometimes I feel like EVERYTHING is perfect and nothing can get in the way and sometimes there are times when I get really sad and think "oh well, it's just not gonna work out" and it's so hard to control. I must admit I do like that amazing feeling where I think that everything is good, because at the time...it really is.

This means I just have to keep myself busy. And try really hard not to TRY and find things and try and NOT be sad and TRY to understand and accept and let go, or not give a shit because it really doesn't matter. What matters is NOW. What matters is ME and US and everything we have built up to.

aaahhh let's see if I stick to my statements...

from the sky I pulled you down tonight....

All seems to be going well. I feel weird saying that, because everytime I do make this kind of a statement, it ends up pinching me in the ass...hard. Maybe I'm being a bit pessimistic here? I don't think so. Honestly, each time I admit to being happy, shit fucks up right then and there. I'm scared for what is coming...if that is the case.

She called on Friday and he told me because I asked. He said he was gonna erase it from his call log and not tell me because it's no big deal. It makes me sad that he would consider something like that. She left a voicemail and we listened to it together. In her whiny stupid voice she rambled on about how she wants to catch up and how it's been sooooo long so he should call her back. He promised he wouldn't and for some reason I believe him. Lately I haven't been dwelling on things that he has done to upset me. Nothing seems to stick, and maybe that's because there are no major issues to think about. For now all is good, but as I said in my above paragraph, this cannot last forever.

There are times when I get this crazy feeling that I've found everything I've ever wanted in this person. I can't even look at him because I find myself going insane from all the feelings rushing though my mind. Sometimes it's too much to handle, but that's a good thing ;)

Night life the high life she just wants a good life

The past week was the most annoying week I think we have ever had. There wasn't a day when we wouldn't snap at one another for any and every little thing possible. We avoided getting into fights and me being mad and hanging up and telling off and singing off and sad faces and the usual him not thinking of MY feelings. That's the last thing we needed and we did a good job avoiding it. How? I'm still not sure, just thank God it turned out this way.

If anything, I think we reached the moment where it's like...is this really what we want? This is us at our worst annoying moments and our stubborn little selves wanting to make things better. It's been hard for me to realize how hard I have to work (literally) to be able to live together and do what we want to do. That was like a real wake up call. I mean I knew this before. I wouldn't allow myself to live with him without having a job, but this all just made me realize I have a long way to go. I know it's hard for him too and he's the one waiting for me. I feel like I've kinda lost control of things and for once I'm the one to blame for whatever is not happening in our relationship. I really need to step up. It's hard to realize that he's pretty much just waiting out for me to grow up and see what I truly want. And I know that he's still scared I'll wake up one day and change my mind about being with him and turn my back on our relationship and walk out and that's not an easy thing to handle. He tells me he's not worried and he's fine but honestly I know that he is. I can see it each time we argue and fight. He just gets so scared. I get scared too...that he will leave me, but I shouldn't think like that. And I need to lighten up and not always react negatively to EVERY little thing. That's not nice. I need to control myself.

It's just hard right now, but we both want to be with each other so I guess everything is fine. Ugghh I have so much to make up for.



.......Accidents out on the highway to somewhere
They tell us about when we we're young
Rescuers working to clean up the crashes
Before she can see what they've done
Nobody told her she'd lose in the first round
The last fight was fixed from the start
Name's on her sidewalks they move through her body
Like razors they cut through her heart.......

Signed with a heart

Let me just start off by saying I'm pissed. Pissed beyond belief. And also disappointed. Yes, in the fact that this even came up. Disappointed in me as well as in you. Me for being stupid and believing everything that comes out of your mouth and you for being a fucking idiot and probably not even realizing what you did. And knowing me I'm bound to blow up one of these days and blow this shit out of the water, but NO I'm not gonna say shit. You did what you did and as I can see now there is absolutely NO point in talking about it because you will NEVER change. And that's pretty fucking sad because you live in your own little world. Right now I'm about to sound like a total bitch, and it's coming from me just looking at you without thinking about what we had and everything between us. This is strictly me evaluating your actions and so far I have to say that you have fell below a good or even average rating in my book. To me you are a total nothing. You don't give a shit and I'm tired of caring about it. But at the same time I'm not gonna allow for you to treat me this way. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve any of this. I'm so much better off not dealing with this constant shit. You're not perfect, yeah no shit! I know you're not. I'm not an angel either. Really, I'm a huge bitch and at the same time I know what I want and it's not how you're treating me. Not a big deal to you? It is to me and to everyone else you may consider asking. I wish I could get back at you and do what you do to me. Just once I wish I could do at least .0000001% of what you do back to you so you know what it feels like. I wish I could, but I won't allow myself, because I'm not like that. Unlike you I'm aware of my actions and don't act surprised when I'm called out on shit because I rarely ever am. If you honestly think any of these other people are any better and you have a slight interest in them, then go. I would rather you tell me that straight up then give me an unknowing stare and tell me that you don't know why the things happening are happening. Go fuck yourself.

Okay overreacting...but still, this shit boils up and your "recent" fuckup that happened a while ago but that I just found out about got me really pissed off. You don't think, and that's a fucking problem.

It's cold and dark out as I find myself standing on the rough gravel on the side of the road. Not much of a road even, but a sharp left turn that everyone speeds on in order to "almost" lose control and come crashing down to the rocks below. And there I stand, right on the edge. Not to jump, not to scream, but to just get noticed. There is something dripping down my face and I realize that my hair is wet. At least my makeup won't smudge, because I'm not wearing any. Why I'm here I do not know. The only thing obvious in view is a flashing light in the distance, so far that it lays on the same level as the cliff from an eye's view. The light is bright and not discreet at all. What it wants from me I also don't know, but feel like I should follow to it. Reason being is that my own bright light burned out a while ago and there's nothing left of it but the cold, mere, darkness. The light looks comforting and if I try hard enough I can almost taste how much happiness it holds in it's little rays. But between the light and I is this cliff I'm on. Now, I can step away from the ledge, turn around and walk away from the light to the same darkness that has surrounded me all this time. I can also take a chance and take the fall. The fall won't be painless, nor will it be clear, because I'll land into the pits of the dark night and who knows if I'll ever find that light again?
So since I'm so scared of taking chances...I'll just stand on this cliff and wait for fuck know what.

Wait...I'm scared of heights, why the hell am I on a cliff again? Beats me.


stumbling through the dark with a broken heart
all alone, at it once again
seeping in like a feeling you haven't felt since way back when
in the dead of that night like the summer of sam
i caught word of the commotion you caused via telegram
i got all worked up
we got all worked up

I found a way,
over the fear and through the flames
im diving in, don't follow me
stay right here ill be back for you someday
i found a way,
it'd be best if you just stayed
its not safe don't follow me
i found a way, i found a way

Okay that story below is gonna need to chill for a while until I have the inner want to finish it.

So I sat here (this is what I do instead of sleeping) tonight and thought about how it would be great if I had more self confidence. Sure I walk around like nothing ever bothers me, but a lot of things tend to drive me insane. But I guess that's normal, as long as I'm doing what feels right. And I am.

am I?

I am happy.
(everyone take a minute to gasp)
Okay, you can stop now.
And.....I'm STILL happy.
Wow, this IS for real :D

Meow, look at the time!
Fine, I'm going I'm going.

<3

You're the only one
I'd be with till the end.
When I come undone
you bring me back again.
Back under the stars,
Back into your arms.

best fucking thing ever,

I cried the first time I heard this song live at Download Fest. But right now this is all I need to help me feel better. Better about everything. Absolutely EVERYTHING.
Fuck all that dumb shit. Honestly, there's nothing to bitch about.

AFI - The Interview

Forever waiting for disaster
What David calls servant and master,
will you play it, too?
As this displacement begs for water,
swimming, bathing, drowning in Sorrow,

Scream with me
I crawl across this cracked expansion.
I'll be buried soon
beneath the sand with pure intentions,
wanting something, someone to follow

For a change I'll refrain
from hiding all of me from you.
Here's my lullaby
Pray for rain, lose your name
And watch all your dreams fall through.
Hush now, don't you cry.

I swoon upon my knees come crashing
Will you bury me?
Today, this small favor I'm asking
Hold me. You may drop me tomorrow.

For a change, I'll refrain
From hiding all of me from you.
Here's my lullaby
Pray for rain, lose your name
And watch all your dreams fall through

For a change, I'll refrain
From hiding all of me from you
Pray for rain, lose your name
And watch all your dreams fall through
It's my lullaby,
Hush now, don't you cry.

Calm down. Come now, cold resides with me.
I flee to decemberunderground.
As you exhale, I breathe in and sink into the water underground
and I'll grow pale without you.


I think I would grow pale without AFI. It's the air I breathe...really.

all I know...

Sometimes I have so much thoughts in my heads that I can't even come to put them into sentences. I have too many of those "good cries" except they aren't good, because they are all about same big explosions in my head. All the thoughts go off at once and all hope for anything good goes away.


Hate Me :: Blue October
I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you, Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you loved me just to put it in my face
And will you never try to reach me, it is I that wanted space

Hate me today.
Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me for all the things i didn't do for you.
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.

I'm sober now for 3 whole months, it's one accomplishment that you helped me with.
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again.
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate.
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I'll never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today.
Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me for all the things i didn't do for you.
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling "Make it go away!"
Just make her smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"

Hate me today.
Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me for all the things i didn't do for you.
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.


I'm not sure how this song relates to my current anything, but it's the most soothing thing I could listen to.
And for retarded reason I feel better now. I'm an idiot. This day was pretty much perfect, but nooooo I had to go get myself into a retarded mess and end up doing this. If anyone besides people who know me really really REALLY well (well wait...I don't even know myself that well...so who the hell can those people be?) saw this I would feel completely retarded because no one in the world will EVER understand anything I'm writing about.

I'm a positive person I swear. Yes it feels funny to say that after tons and tons of shit I've expressed.

kill yourself please

Fuck you.
Fuck you and your stupid ways of living and your idiotic thoughts and feelings. Let's ask me what I feel, shall we? I don't know...what can you diagnose from all this doctor? That I'm seriously about to explode? Seriously each time I get all calm and start breathing I end up ticking away and one fucking day I'm just going to explode. I'm coming to accept the fact that I can't do this anymore more and more everyday.
You're driving me crazy. Go away.