So much of me died with you, an ocean I've cried for you.

I don't know how to start this or if there's a point to writing this besides the ease I feel after I let it out. Seriously, when is this shit gonna end? When am I not gonna cry anymore over things that are fucking things up? Over things that literally shatter everything that I work for? Everything that I make. Everything that I fucking fight so hard for? When am I gonna be able to finally enjoy anything and everything without a second thought? I hate you. When will I stop hating you? When won't I see you as the bad guy anymore? When will you stop betraying me over and over and over again? When will I feel like I can trust you? I know I can, and I do, but when am I gonna REALLY feel it?
I'm crazy. Honestly, I'm insane. I need meds and pills to make me calm. I need something so that my life doesn't flash in front of me every time something like this happens. Or maybe I just need to be alone. Maybe I'm not meant for anyone and no one is meant for me? I can't be with anyone in this state. Or maybe I need to fully let go. Say fuck it to everything that I see getting in my way, take it minute by minute and never doubt? Hell no. I can't do that. I know myself and I can't even begin to not care. God I hate feeling sometimes. I hate feeling like I've been let down. I hate feeling upset because I have so many good feelings backing everything up. Sometimes I just want to scream, or cry, or even die. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I wasn't here anymore and if someone else had to deal with my memories, the fact that I was once there, taking up everyone's time. The fact that I was happy, or sad, or confused, misused and abused. Abused by you, the one person who wouldn't do anything to hurt me. Actually, I don't know about that anymore.
Your careless actions will drive me to the edge. The way down is long and painful and I'm afraid I will take it. You have stopped me many times from being alone but was that for my sanity or yours? Was it because you are scared to be alone? Your feelings don't seem as genuine as they were before. You think I'm a safe bet? Try again. I'm crazy. Crazy as can be. Honestly. I will fuck with you until the end and it's not because I want to, but because of how I'm built. Other's have installed this into me and I've turned out to be a cold blooded person after everything that has happened. I don't deserve anything. But at the same time I fucking love you to death. I swear I'll kill anyone who gets in our way. You and me for life. You being you and me doing this, crying my eyes out. Fuck I'm tired of crying. My shirt is soaked and my face is red. Really pretty. A real beauty. Pleasure to look at.
Deep inside I'm a good person. Honestly, I try my best. But I'm crazy. My emotions are all over the place. I'm unstable. For now I can control it. Sit and cry and write. I can't yell, nor can I fight. I can just sit there and stare you straight in the eye wondering when all this would stop.

I got distracted by a post a friend put up on Facebook and snapped out. I sound crazy above. I am crazy. Put me away. And don't visit me. Please don't. It's the only way I'll recover. I love you. See you in hell.


i am heaven sent, don't you dare forget.
i am all you've ever wanted,
what all the other boys all promised.
sorry i told. i just needed you to know.
i think in decimals and dollars.
i am the cause to all your problems,
shelter from cold. we are never alone.
coordinate brain and mouth.
then ask me what's it like to have myself so figured out.
i wish i knew..

this is war.
every line is about who i don't wanna write about anymore.
hope you come down with something they can't diagnose,
don't have the cure for.
holding on to your grudge.
oh it's so hard to have someone to love.
and keeping quiet is hard.
'cause you can't keep a secret
if it never was a secret to start.
at least pretend you didn't wanna get caught..

we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe in us.


this is the grace that only we can bestow.
this is the price you pay for loss of control.
this is the break in the bend,
this is the closest of calls.
this is the reason you're alone,
this is the rise and the fall.

we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe..

we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe in us.

"please catch me now, I'm falling"

You know what that feeling you have when you realize you fucked up on something and it's gonna take a long and hard time for you to get out of the hole you dug for yourself? I haven't had one of those in a very long time. But once again I'm back to that feeling and the worst part is that it's everything but what it always is.
I feel like there's nothing I can do (yes that's stupid, I realize there's ALWAYS something I can do) but at this point nothing is happening. It sucks and I don't have it in me to fix it. I feel like I'm done. Seriously, this just isn't for me. Why can't I find something I actually like and am happy with for once?! Here I am again starting all over from where I was. Waste a whole year. And if I find out I can't drop the class tomorrow I'm fucked for sure, kinda. I can always transfer and I guess that will do it, but I don't want to feel like a fucking reject. That's what city college makes it seem like. Everyone and anyone gets in. I probably won't even be happy there.
Why doesn't anyone have a time machine?
Bastards.

I wrote some long crazy shit just now but decided to delete all of it because the perfect song just came on shuffle.

All I can say
I should have said
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time




I miss you.

Wow...scrolling down to October 14th was amazing. I can't even believe I wrote that...even though I feel more connected to it then what I wrote today.
Wow...October? that's a shitload ago. haha right before that picture was taken...I still think we look different. Is that bad?

haha...what!!!

I set myself up for things. Honestly, I need to read a book or something when I'm bored instead of trying to go back into people's lives. This has done nothing for me. It's not like I don't have my own problems and past to deal with, yet I get involved in other people's drama? That seems stupid.
For one though, it made me a realize a lot of things. Once again I was overwhelmed with emotion and got really sad. The reason why is still confusing. Partly because I felt sorry for the person who's misery I was reading, and partly because it reminded me of my own. I thought back to all the times I must have cried myself to sleep while thinking about what could have been between me and the person with whom I thought I was madly in love with. I remembered how much of myself I gave up for absolutely nothing. How much of myself I've wasted on someone who didn't deserve any of it. How everything I did went to waste and how I was constantly used for someone's entertainment. I can't imagine for a second though having those feelings of confusion and regret for the same person as they did. I'm actually really scared of that, but at the same time I know it will never happen.
Now I'm all confused with what I was talking about, but it was just weird to see someone who was in the same state as me towards someone who I know really well. It almost makes me want to give them back so they will stop feeling hurt and weird, but at the same time I would never do that, because that is one thing I'll never let go....or at least I'll try.
It's hard to think back and realize that I was affected by that one person so much. It was only four months on and off, but it felt like 20 years. I don't know whether to cry because I've lost so much, or laugh because I got so fucking lucky in the end. Not that I ever regret blocking that person out of my life, don't get me wrong I would NEVER go back. But I honestly think I could have done so much better. It just seems hard to believe that someone so young can feel all those things and be put through so much. Call me over emotional, but honestly I would like to see how you hold up when what I went through happens to you. G-d forbid it ever does. That's why I build walls, to keep people away. I want to open myself up to so much more and be able to just let go and be free, but at the same time I can't. I can't just allow things to happen without my control. I'm scared. I can't even explain it. Think back to when you were little, to the time you got a whole pile of candy and you were saving it up because you wanted a huge pile when you finally decided to eat them. Imagine watching over them like crazy and then one day find that they aren't there anymore because someone took them away. Sad right? That's how it is with people, except 100000 times worse. The emotional damage it leaves is seriously unbearable. Some people let go easy, but not I. I don't wanna come off all suicidal "omg I'm gonna kill myself" because I was NEVER like that and never will be.
It's just so fucking sad and confusing dealing with past and present emotions. The past always comes back to you, even when it's not your past to begin with. I can't seem to block that out. I shouldn't care, because at this moment all the attention is on me and I'm finally where I wanted to be. I finally feel like I matter and yet I still let dumb thoughts overpower my happiness. Sometimes I think I'm seriously mentally disturbed. I say one thing and the next moment I feel something different. But that's not true, at least not with this. I know how I feel and nothing will change that. I'm scared that I'll say something and fuck it all up. Someone needs to shut me up, tape my mouth shut or something.

Ok, now that that's over with...we can all move on with life which involves pink unicorns and rainbows! wooooooooooooo

welcome b...oh shut up!

Break is over. It was somewhat lovely and I never wanted it to end. And now we are back to this and that and four months of crap and no sleep and blah blah blah. Gosh, don't I have anything better to do!? Guess not.

get back

It's been a while.
Damnit, I always have something to write about during the day, but I never write it down because I know that typing it up again after will be boring because I won't feel what I was feeling at the time.
Right now I am extremely happy and that's the way it will stay. The only thing I am lacking is sleep. Oh yes, some of that would be nice.
Daisy left already. I miss him, but not as much as before. It's nice that we got a chance to hang out. Can't wait till break...lots of sleep and work and just relaxing. How great does that sound?
The hump is tomorrow. But we will get through the hump just fine, RIIIIIGHT?

on my way,

This mellow, somewhat slow Tuesday is already coming to an end. I hate that feeling when it's kinda late and you realize there is still a pile of stuff left to do. Like this essay...that was due today. Luckily I wasn't the only one who forgot that it was due today and not Thursday and she said I can turn it in tomorrow. I freaked out and totally came up to her and asked in this amazingly nice/worried tone and she was nothing but nice to me. It's amazing how you can get your way with people you don't know. It's funny how you can have the biggest grin on your face when your whole world is upside down and they won't have the slightest clue, unlike with those that know you well when you don't even have to say anything for them to know something is up. And that is great.
I wish it would stop drizzling and actually rain, like last week. Ha, exactly a week ago at night. That was great. Felt right and is much needed.
wow, this was supposed to come out a bit deeper than it is turning out to be. I always have the perfect thing to say, but never end up saying it. I don't even seem to remember what it was. Maybe that's because it wasn't anything special? Who knows? I don't.
Ah, the bitch in math stopped staring, while the bitch in English continues too. It's fun to stare back until she ends up turning away. If she only knew what I was thinking at the time, she wouldn't be staring at all. One day I'll call her out.

Rafaella and I are planning to meet up again. This shall be very exciting and somewhat helpful. I always kinda wished I was like her back in the day. She is always involved in all these extra activities and she does so well in everything. She will get really far. I can't say I won't, but for now I'm stuck in fog. I have no idea what I want or how it will all turn out. It's fun to think about finishing school and actually...living, but at the same time I just want to go under the covers and sleep until everything is done for me. But that wouldn't be too fun.

time to go write the essay. First draft is done and corrected by more than one person, so this shall be easy. I just have to force myself to do it. aaahhh, this week needs to end. And the ending has to be the same as it has been for the past weeks, or else it just won't do it.


"Did it all get real? I guess it's real enough
They got refrigerators full of blood
Another century spent pointing guns
At anything that moves
Sometimes I worry that I've lost the plot
My twitching muscles tease my flippant thoughts
I never really dreamed of heaven much
Until we put him in the ground
But it's all I'm doing now
Listening for patterns in the sound
Of an endless static sea
But once the satellite's deceased
It blows like garbage through the streets
Of the night sky to infinity


Don't be a criminal in this police state
You'd better shop and eat and procreate
You've got vacation days, then you might escape
To a condo on the coast
I set my watch to the atomic clock
I hear the crowd count down until the bomb gets dropped
I always figured there'd be time enough
I never let it get me down
But I can't help it now
Looking for faces in the clouds
I've got some friends I barely see
But we're all planning to meet
We'll lay in bags as dead as leaves
All together for eternity

But don't you weep
Don't you weep
There is nothing as lucky
Honey, don't you weep
Don't you weep
There is nothing as lucky
As easy
Or free"


...as what?!!! The song fails to tell me!
WTF...I'm so not satisfied!

true romance.

Great day to write.
Great day to fucking fall down a hole and die.
I don't mean that. I don't mean anything I say today, except what I'm about to write, even if it comes out sounding like a complete pile of contradictions.

Today can be added to a list of shitty days for several reasons.
One being that feeling hungover is not exactly fun, nor is puking and wishing I would die last night. The whole thing made me be super touchy and mean. I went off on like 3 people today because they were talking loud. I even went off on you for making me feel like you hate me. Yeah...I'm talking to you. From now on this entry is directed towards you. Here is what I don't think I can tell you now, but probably will anyways. You know how I am. I love you. Not just for what you did, but just because. I love you for every reason that exists in the world, while at the same time just loving you for no reason at all. Is that weird? I don't think it's bad. I think it's fucking great. I don't need to come up with a reason to love you. Just you existing is enough. and don't think it's not hard for me. Being away drives me crazy sometimes. I have random desires during the day to just see you, even just for a minute. I think of you often and how there is no one else I can see myself with. I feel close, but at times like these when everything in my head is out of control I don't see our perfect connection. I even broke down when we were talking online about last night being good and bad. Gretta thought I was crazy and calmed me down on the phone. I'm sorry I question things. I question them often. I don't doubt you on purpose. I don't doubt you at all actually. I guess I doubt myself and my ability to make this work. I'm trying, and so far it has not been hard. You've made it easy for me to just be happy without a reason and that's something no one has ever done for me yet. The last two months have been some of the best times I've ever had. I guess I'm scared that this perfect cloud will dissolve without notice, but who isn't scared of such things at first? I know deep inside that we will be okay, even if I do need you to confirm it for me.
I'm scared of you seeing me fuck up. The feeling that I had in the past, that I wasn't good enough still returns to me sometimes and I think back to the time when I was feeling like there was no point to anything. I think back to the time when I was left alone by the only person I cared about more than anything and I get scared. I get scared of having to go back to that. I don't want to ever feel that again, especially with you. This has gone way beyond anything playful for me. I don't know how we will end up, or where and I don't really want to think about it now. Everything seems to fall apart when you plan it too far ahead of time. All I know is that I want to be with you. That feeling remains no matter what I'm going through. I want to be with you even when I hate the whole world and also when I'm the happiest person alive.

I don't know what to say anymore. This is positive. I'm determined. I feel better now. I hope you get what I'm saying. I know you will, cause I can't even explain what I wrote above, but I mean it. I really do.

trippin on infected mushrooms

Wake me up before I change again
Remind me the story that I won´t get insane
Tell me why it´s always the same
Explain me the reason why I´m so much in pain

Before I change again...
Remind me the story that I won't get insane
Before I change again...
Remind me the story that I won't get insane

Insane, Insane, Insane, Insane,Insane,
I'm Becoming Insane.

blah blah

So check this.
Yesterday afternoon was kinda annoying. So annoying that I just had to go out. Walked to the park on Lake. The very same park Gretta, Mike and I were taken to everyday from since I was 7 to around age 13. Pretty much ever since I came here.
Anyways, it was super weird actually walking through the playground. I went to my favorite part of the whole place; the swings. Finally, I am all alone with no one being stupid or annoying to me. Just had to make sure to watch out for all the little kids running around. Funny, when I was 10 I didn't give a shit about who I would hit and now here I was worrying about the safety of children who had nothing to do with me. I remembered back to the time when we would go super high on the swings and then at the end "go crazy". That meant turning right and left causing the swing to twist. Made it super fun. Also, we would go super high and jump off. Whoever landed the farthest...won. I loved jumping off those swings, but had a little fear of "going crazy". The nice little castle we used to climb on (I would be scared to go to the top) looked really small and the huge slide was tiny, and the trees and rocks we used to sit on didn't even seem like they would support my weight now.

So once again I'm on this swing, having the time of my life. Amazing song playing on the Ipod, sun shining, and no one bothering me. That's some deep stuff right there.
Then I look to my right and see 12.

Now..who the fuck is "12?" right?
I forgot his real name! I met 12 through Lena. I think he was her friend. We talked online, then met up...finally. Took a walk in the park, talked and drank good fraps from Starbucks. At the end of it all, he walked me home. He lives four blocks away. As we were saying bye, we both kinda understood that something was missing. We didn't talk again after. About 2 weeks ago we ran into one another on Clement as I was walking home at around 9pm. The encounter was the same as the one we had before. He was running down the street and I was deep in thought about the track playing on the Ipod. We both stopped, said hello and both agreed we should continue talking online. Then I continued walking and he kept running. The reason he is "12" is because I told Lena he looked like a little boy, like he was 12. It stuck ever since.

12 does Parkour. (You know...where people jump over things and pretty much fly from building to building). So I look over and see him doing his thing to my right.
Fucking A. I am fucking trying to be alone. Couldn't he go jump over tables somewhere else?! Did he have to be there at that moment!? The only good thing was that I was wearing my sunglasses, so he didn't see me. Imagine how awkward that would be.
At one point I said fuck it, blasted the song louder and concentrated on going as high as I could on that swing. Then I let go. No I did not fall, but it felt amazing to let go. I remember looking over and seeing him stare at me for sometime. I coudn't see exactly for how long, the sun was shining brightly.
Then I got tired and left. He was gone as I was leaving. Had a smoke on the way there, but the piece of crap wouldn't light on the way back. Guess it wasn't meant to be.

Days out like that make me feel better. I'm not even exactly sure what I was upset about.

This week seems to be going by slow.
Saturday is LoveFest. Gretta and I have planned to meet up tomorrow at school and then go shop for some crazy things to wear. Should be a blast.
I just hope things don't get out of control too much. Gretta is hard to control when gone wild, and I shouldn't even begin to talk.

We shall see.

dumb.

I'm talking to Gretta. I hate it when she's right.
She gave me the same advice I always give her. "If you have a problem with something...do something about it". I guess I do always tell her that. But when it comes time to me...I can't help myself. Sure...I can do something about feeling like an elephant, but I can't guaranty that it will be good. No actually, I probably don't have the balls to do it. So I'll stay like this forever.
Bought cigs yesterday. Bad bad BAD!
Ugh, I can't even talk about how stupid I am lately.

hang me out to dry.

Today was somewhat okay. Nothing exciting really.
Woke up at 12:30. Got ready and went out shopping for a new desk. Found a really nice one, but it's way too dark plus my printer wouldn't fit on the shelf it comes with.
Came home, went online and once again did not do homework or clean my room. Somethings never change.
My nails keep breaking and I ate too much...again.

But I have a new plan. I thought of it yesterday and I'm not going to tell anyone what it was until I achieve my goal. Don't even ask.

Tomorrow should be amazing.

If only you knew, would you save me?

Facebook says:
Cancer: You're feeling very social lately, but it seems like no one else is feeling it. If your friends are busy, venture out on your own to meet some new ones!

Sadly, this is true. I feel kinda lonely lately. Just really want to go out to some event, get together with friends, have a nice dinner all together, act stupid or even just sit in a coffee shop while talking and eating a 200 calorie mini-cake.
Any of those will do, with pretty much anyone. Well there is one person who I would rather be with more than anyone else. This is sad. I'm slightly crying so I'll end the topic here.

I realized what one of my issues is today. It all started when I followed Daniel to where the food was and ended up eating more than I should have. Then I got home and ate some more. At 11pm, I got hungry again (like I'm never actually...not hungry) and made myself more food. And this was all after I realized that I have gained a lot of weight. I am bigger than I ever can remember me being.
I realized that I may look fine to people, but deep inside I feel horrible. Feeling is so much different than looking. Everyone tells me I'm crazy. Both guys and girls. I don't trust the girls. One of my friends also thinks she is fat and when we told her she isn't, her mom said this to her; "Of course they tell you you're not fat! They are all skinny bitches so they don't want you as competition". I thought it was dumb, but it got to me. This is the mom that told my friend that she has to look like me. She would call her out on her weight everyday and tell her that "you have to look like Bella...why can't you look like her?". Here is someone who is being fucked up to her child telling her that looking like me is her goal in life, while I think of ways to make myself be thinner.
I realized that I've become obsessed. I hate every girl who is smaller than me, even if the only thing they have is bones. I hate them, because at one point in my life I was them. I was about 5'5'' and weighed no more than 70 pounds. Everyone in my step family (Gretta's real family) thought I was amazing. They kept telling her that she must look like me as well. My grandparents tried to fatten me up. My weight was the talk of the hour at any and every social family gathering. The only ones who didn't say anything were my parents. They just left me alone and said I'll grow out of it. Fucking love them for that so much, as well as hate them for it too. I can't even remember when I started to gain weight. I just remember that it all came at once. It wasn't until sophomore year that I started feeling uncomfortable. My boyfriend told me I was fat. I gained and lost pounds, but never fully returned to my old state. I was and still am weighing less than all my friends.
I hate my parents because they don't restrict me. Now I watch as Gretta's mom stops her from eating something, while I sit there with a full plate. I need a restriction. I need it to be taken away from me, because I can't do it myself. I was eating at 11 tonight and kept telling myself that it's a bad idea. Now I feel really full. I can barely breathe because I'm so full. It hurts my body and it hurts my head. It hurts inside to know that I will fucking look in the mirror tomorrow and see the same thing I see now...but twice as big. I hate myself for the fact that I give up. I do fine for a while. I work out and eat whatever I want. Then I stop and everything comes back. Or I eat super healthy and then one day just stuff myself with junk. I hate that it's become what I think about everyday. I hate that I sit there and feel disgusted with myself. I hate that others don't notice it. I hate that I can't talk to anyone about it, because no one understands. It's hard to keep inside. To them I'm all skin and bones and to me...I'm horrible.

Tomorrow is Yom Kippur (Jew repentance day) and it's a fast. Theres a good excuse not to eat. (I won't be able to not, so it doesn't matter).

Now I feel upset and my cheeks are wet. But in the end...I'm still not who I want to be.



ok the picture might be taking it a bit too far, but I'm so into this that I actually believe it.

like what the ef?

After I wrote that essay last night, I realized that we were also supposed to turn in the little paragraph the teacher corrected in class as well. Well, I totally forgot to get the paragraph from her box last Thursday (I had like 3 days to do it...wow).
So I went before class in the morning. Mine was the last one in the envelope. I read the two comments she wrote me and decided that I have already fixed those in my final draft.
I get to class she asks me if I got her email. Email? No...I didn't get her email. Tells me to stay after class. Oh shit. Thought it was my previous essay. Thought she hated it and will tell me I need tutoring. Freaked.
Come up after class and she says "I asked if you would like an extra day on your essay because I couldn't give you the paragraph with my comments on it in time." WAIT...I thought I had to come and get it myself?! haha ok you wanna make it seem like YOU forgot? ok. great! BUT I FUCKING TURNED THE ESSAY IN ALREADY! So it doesn't matter. But...damn! I shouldn't have done it!!! But I would be stuck with it now, which is bad anyways.

Genia helped me do my math in English today. Left it all for morning. I know he loves this kinda stuff. He almost went to class with me...when he was done with his class for the day. That boy is sick in the head. Attend an extra math class...out of desire? Whoa, that's just beyond me.

Nate? Yeah his name is Nate. Guy in English needs to stop staring. I must admit it's fun though. You look over at him and see that he's looking at you. Then you sharply turn away. Two seconds later you gently look back at him. Then he ends up looking at you again. And then you don't look at him for the remainder of time. Makes time go by much faster, trust me.

After class I ended up stumbling into Starbucks. Sat on the comfy couch like chair for about two hours drinking a Soy White Chocolate Mocha and going over the driver handbook. After my leg fell asleep completely, I left to get my eyebrows done. I mean...what kind of person goes to take a written test without amazing eyebrows?! I'm bound to pass now. Speaking of eyebrows...when I told Kyle why I couldn't hang out with him today he was all like "what? I never heard of people getting their eyebrows done" and I was like "uhh...they aren't all nicely shaped naturally..." and he's like "well I know people do them...but not like...professionally?" haha silly boy.

I shouldn't have said that. Whatever, I'm just going to come off silly if I don't pass. I have 3 tries, leave the alone people!!! :P

fucked.

This day needs to end.
END END END.
I have to write the fucking essay.
No I don't.
Yeah...I do.
No..I don't have to!
Why not?!
Cause I can just...not go tomorrow.
NO.
I have to go.
uhh...NO I don't.
Ok so I can spend that hour and ten minutes sitting in the cafe doing math homework. If I DO go...I will have to finish the math homework ON TOP of this fucking essay...TONIGHT!
I can't take that.
Too tired.

Lets say I decide to NOT go.
Meaning...no essay tonight and especially no math!
What will I do instead? Sleep??? Oh I wish.
Nope, I'll stay up like always and still be tired in the morning.
Fuck.
I can't sleep with the feeling like I have not done anything I needed to.
I ate too much again. I can't sleep while thinking or feeling like that!
10:27! What a fucker. At least I have a draft...I can do this.
Tomorrow will be the same. Will have from like four to eleven to do hw...but will put it off.
I'm great at putting things like that off.
I want the weekend.
I want my six week winter break.
I want this all to die.
I want to stop acting stupid and do what I need to.
I guess I am asking for too much.
fuccckkkkkk

Here We Go Again...

What a typical Monday. One of those Mondays when you know you have four more days until you can finally relax on that nice Friday night.
Awoke feeling like I have not slept in ages. Got up, drank some some juice, put on a sad excuse for makeup and left. Got to school, went to class, had lunch while reading the stupid driver manual, sat with Jake before his class and then went to meet with Rafaella. We had a good time. It was short, but sweet. Met up at Stonestown (I swear I'm going to hate that place very soon, since it's a two minute walk from school and I find myself there too often.)

Her and I decided that if she doesn't move far for college, we will get a place together. That would be amazing. Living with my best friend. Someone who has known me for six years. Someone I feel comfortable with. And someone who I can be stupid with. I wish it would come true.

On one hand I want her to go Washington like she does for school. She is a hard worker and will do just fine there, but I also want her to stay. I pretty much told her today that if she moves our friendship will end, because we will not put in enough effort to stay in touch. (We barely hang out now and we live a bus ride away and our schools are like five minutes apart.) The good thing is that we both will be here for our birthdays in June. That might be our last grand time together. She on the other hand thinks we will be friends until we die. I also hope that she is right.

Speaking of going away, my other friend Sandra, who I have known for seven years is leaving on Saturday for Davis. Mariya planned a little sleepover for Friday so that we can have a rad time before Sandra goes. Sure, Davis is close. I mean I went to Davis to see AFI play and I'm sure I can go there again to visit a friend. I just know things won't be the same. When Marianna left a year ago, she would only call Mariya and I and ask for gossip. We did not have much to talk about. When we met up and went on Haight as always, our conversations were full of crap and we enjoyed spending time away from one another better...or so it seemed. But now I don't give a crap about her. After what she said to Mariya, she can go kiss my ass. Calls me up talking about the argument Mariya and her got into. Tells me to tell Mariya. I do. Mariya confronts her. Mariya's response is "Well I only told Bella because I know she has a big mouth and would tell you anyways". Fuck you. Go die. Stupid bitch.

Rafaella and I walked into Hot Topic for no reason at all. One of the guys working there started talking to me asking me if I walked in before. I did indeed. Tried on pants that I told him looked better on the hanger. He said sorry. I told him not to be, since he didn't make the pants. He proceeded to tell me he did. I smiled. He walked over and stood by us doing some stuff in the backround. We looked at him a bit after, and then left. That was great. He is the better looking out of the two guys that work there recently.

Anyways, I think I was going to write something meaningful, but my right shoulder hurts and I have a lot of homework. Back to writing a stupid essay. Great...just great. And then sleep, and all the good stuff before sleep.

Wednesday is approaching. Will I pass? That's a maybe.

Time To Waste

What a lazy-ass day.
Woke up at around 12:30. Ate. Did nothing. Ate some more and was about to clean my room, but was too lazy too. Now I sit here with the same mess surrounding me.

One thing I kinda don't like is talking openly about things. I go all out and say more than I would normally and then end up feeling weird after. I guess this happens to everyone. Weird.

Gretta is "depressed". According to her, she has a problem but doesn't know why she has it. I can't help her. I can't find a guy for her, nor do I want to take on that responsibility. I had enough of it on my own. Actually, I just kinda stopped looking. I think she should just wait for the right moment. She is 17 and her whole life is ahead of her. I was single for about...6 months and then turned 18 and got with some idiot. Not a great choice, but it proves my point. She wants my Vicodin, which I will not be giving her. I hate that she reminded me that I have it. Now I will probably take some when shit happens, even though I really don't get the point of it.

It's actually weird being in a somewhat serious relationship. After all those past idiots it's hard to believe that this one might actually be normal and not filled with a bunch of bullshit. It's weird, but deep down it's great. Will just take some getting used to.

Speaking of Gretta, she and I smoked on both Thursday and Friday. I have no idea why I let her light me again. The last time I smoked with her was when I bought her a pack on our way to Fuzz. We smoked on the way there, on the balcony and right outside. This time we sat in a parking lot, on the curb. Then on Friday, right on campus. After drinking our smoothies. We sat next to a guy who reminded me of Sid from The Sex Pistols. I thought he would hate us for all the smoke, because to me he totally came off as a straight edge kid. To my surprise he came over and asked to bum a cig. He didn't seem that cool anymore.
Gretta smokes in front of me all the time. After we left school, I turn to her as she lights again that she should stop. (This doesn't make me any better, but I don't go through a pack a day. I rarely do it anyways.) She told me to pretty much shut up and stop telling her to quit. I stopped. I also ended up giving her the Camels Arin and Ian gave me for my birthday. They were nasty as hell and I just couldn't take it anymore.
I remember standing on the staircase outside the back door of my crib and smoking them. I remember thinking how gross they were, but I kept doing it.
I hate the smell of cigarette smoke. I smelled like them the whole day, and at some points I was really annoyed.
Writing about this makes me want to do it again. I have no reason to though. I have no pain to kill, no time to just waste and no point in finding a way to relax.
I am doing quite well actually. Weird, there is nothing for me to really worry about lately. That is a bit odd, but I guess it's good.
Well, the bed looks truly amazing at this point in the night so I'm gonna go enjoy my sleep.

oooh!

Cancer: You're having trouble putting your feelings into words. Write things down, but don't get frustrated if it comes out wrong. It'll come to you eventually.

That might actually be the best and most true horoscope that Facebook has given me.